Octopussy (1983) - John Glen
The Plot
With Bond methodically whittling down the list of (insane) billionaires of the world, there were still a few running around and still had a sizable number of screws firmly in their heads. One of them seems to have dealt with a hawkish Russian general bent on extending the Soviet borders to encompass most of Europe. To this end, they plot to detonate a nuclear warhead in West Germany (in a circus, no less), make it look like the Yanks were careless and force NATO countries to hasten disarmament, leaving the USSR as the only nuke-powered country left standing (they forgot about China and India - conveniently). To get the bomb into place, the bad guys must use a smuggling ring - this is where things get convoluted. Just gasp in awe at the action sequences and be done with it.
Grade: B-
Locales
Cuba (where Bond singlehandedly dents the country's air force), India, and Germany (both East/West)
Grade: B-
The Man
Roger Moore
The Moore, the merrier. Not. Despite better makeup to make him look his youngest in years in the Bond role, Moore seems to be going through the motions here. He announced his plan to retire from the role at the end of production, but was convinced to do one more run.
Grade: B-
The Villain(s)
Kamal Khan (Louis Jourdan) - What's a bored and exiled Afghan prince to do? Become a world-class smuggler/gambler, of course. And live it up to the 9s. And fraternize with would-be world beaters. Really, the only reason why he's in this movie is he has connections with Octopussy. The Russians could have dealt directly with her. Otherwise, he only fulfills the action film quota of "the rich villain with a scary bodyguard". The prince then gets kicked out of his castle by a bunch of girls and dies a lonely fiery death via a plane crash. Long live the Prince!
Gobinda (Kabir Bedi) - The scary bodyguard. But not Jaws-scary. At least the Jaws of The Spy Who Loved Me, not Moonraker. Stupid enough to follow all of Kamal's orders. His last thought as he falls from Kamal's plane to his death was probably "All that money and no parachute!?! Maybe I can use my turbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnn...."
General Orlov (Steven Berkoff) - Berkoff hams up the hardline Soviet general, and I wonder if hardline Soviet generals, back in the day, acted this way. The megalomaniac was reduced to running after a train trying to escape the wrath of his superior, General Gogol, and ending up being shot on the tracks.
they have this high-tech meeting room while their countrymen starve. damn commies!
Knife-Throwing Twins (David and Tony Meyer) - Can be considered the reason(s) why 007 busted their asses: they knifed 009 (in a clown suit) and the spy managed to find his way before dying in the British embassy (in a clown suit). But can you imagine carrying all those knives inside your chaleco? Am sure they'd have a hard getting past airport security. Ah, to suffer for one's art.
Grade: B
The Girl(s)
Octopussy (Maud Adams) - Adams makes a comeback (of sorts) as another Bond girl (she does appear in a third, but that's for the next review). However, despite premier billing, she only appears halfway through the film and is as wooden as the character she played in The Man With the Golden Gun. Octopussy is the leader of a sort-of cult of empowered women who use their charms and wiles to succeed in her smuggling organization, and they have their own island. She shares a past with Bond as her father was someone Bond had to arrest 20 years ago but allowed him to die honorably (crap. this makes Bond really in his 50s, unless he was already hunting people down while in his teens). I actually prefer the next Bond girl below, but Adams' rank in the casting order lands her the position of sharing the happy ending credits with the superspy.
Magda (Kristina Wayborn) - First shown escorting Kamal Khan in his pursuit of a Fabergé egg at Sotheby's, Magda is revealed as a member of the Octopussy cult. Seemingly a (planted) robotic slave of Kamal, she easily does a 180 when she kicks ass in the final scene. Actually much more fetching than Adams, this was Wayborn's only high-profile role as she ended up in bit parts in TV shows.
you wouldn't notice it, but she was actually saying "pussy" here
Bianca (Tina Hudson) - Bond's contact in the opening Cuban operation ... used mostly as a pretty decoy (and you know they totally hooked up after in Miami!).
Penelope Smallbone (Michaela Clavell) - purportedly an assistant to Moneypenny, was already warned by the latter of Bond's lecherous and noncommittal ways. Never makes it past the first 30 minutes. Never had another role either (didn't matter; her dad was James, the Shogun guy).
Grade: A-
Gadgets
Again, not too much on the gadgets, but used quite efficiently (yes, you and I know they're contrived plot devices, duh). Two of them involve a watch - one to track the homing device in the Fabergé egg, and the other as a sort of mini CCTV, sending images from Q's videocam (how in Earth would Q know in advance to bring videocams in a hot-air balloon??).
Most plausible was the use of a fountain pen that stored a metal-dissolving acid. But I bet it still won't melt Wolverine's claws or Captain America's shield.
The opener had Bond escaping the Cubans in a miniJet, and he also uses a watercraft shaped like a crocodile to sneak into Octopussy's island. And while we're talking animals here, Bond also manages to turn into an ape (see below).
Grade: B
Bond Moments
Bond hides in a train containing circus equipment, and to avoid detection he slips into a gorilla costume. Kamal and goons discuss the exact timing for the bomb to go off, and Bond by habit also looks at his watch at the mention of the exact time they plan to detonate it.
Q being mobbed by girls ... a lot of them scantily-clad. Can you imagine your grandpa being popular at that age?
Bond joins the circus ... in a clown suit (changes to costume in less than 5 minutes with the nuclear bomb counting down at the end of that 5)
Magda acrobatically slips down from Bond's balcony using her sash. Now that's a girl!
Again, not a dearth of preposterous thrill pills:
- Bond's efficient use of a miniJet and return the Cubans' missile back to them (what, their economy was in tatters so they couldn't afford to shoot more at him?)
- fight with one knife-throwing twin and Gobinda on a fast-moving train (prior to that, Bond uses a car with only its wheel rims left to drive after the train - on the railroad tracks)
- battle with Gobinda on the roof of Kamal's plane (we see Kamal turning the plane upside down at least once; we never see the effect of gravity on Bond then)
Grade: B+
One Liners
Magda: He suggests a trade. The egg for your life.
Bond: Well, I heard the price of eggs was up, but isn't that a little high?
Bond: I trust you can handle this contraption, Q?
Q: It goes by hot air.
Bond: Oh, then you can.
Vijay: Is he still there?
Q: You must be joking! 007 on an island populated exclusively by women? We won't see him till dawn!
(Q being embraced and kissed by the uh, Octopussies)
What are you doing -? Cut it out! We have no time for this. (thinks about it) Maybe later.
Q experiences an epiphany. he immediately invents Viagra.
Grade: B-
Overall
The 13th Bond film has its moments, but public consensus seems to show they preferred the renegade and then-released Never Say Never, an unofficial Bond film with Sean Connery to boot. Lazy title notwithstanding (I wonder how many jokes that spawned during production), it kept it close to Bond's roots as a spy. It does seem plausible that there would be loose cannons in any government - but of course in this case it had to be the Russian Bear - that had aspirations to break the current détente during the Cold War and Arms Race. Trying to tie it in with a beautiful smuggler - the sole reason of the title - knocks the story down. You'd think they thought of the title first, gleefully laughed about it for days and then brainstormed on how they could weave a story around it. An added bonus is the Tim Rice/John Barry theme song "All Time High", sung by Rita Coolidge, a semi-gem in its own right.
stuck on you, got a feeling down deep in my soul that i just can't lose
Grade: B
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