my heroine

who woulda thunk Officer Monica Harper from Pacific Blue (ahh, memories of Orlando, 1999) would be the one to punch the 21st century's most annoying celebitch-ty? Its about f****n' time!!! Hoooohaaaa!!!


and for the hero of the day, its the cashier dude in the John St. Subway, who let me slide even if I was six cents short for my combo meal (the rare day i forget my wallet). Hoooooohaaaa!!!

wider than a mile

James Bond DVD Collection Review #11
Moonraker (1979) - Lewis Gilbert

The Plot
Finally, a Bond film I remember watching when I was a runt (or when I was old enough to go to the movies). Piggybacking on the Star Wars craze and global interest for NASA's Space Shuttle program, the Bond thinktank wanted to put something out along those lines and still make it an 007 film. Ian Fleming's original Moonraker novel had a rocket aimed at London - way too tame for the times. Why not have a madman build an armada of space shuttles (all suspiciously looking like the late Columbia), and his own space station in orbit, ready to annihilate the world? Now that sounds like a plan.
Grade: A-

Locales
California, Venice, Brazil, and where else, of course, but ... outer space!!!
Grade: A-

The Man
Roger Moore
Moore is Bond more than ever here, although you can see his age. grappling with bad guys on the bondinho 600 ft above the ground? not bad for a 50 year old.
Grade: A-

The Villain(s)
Hugo Drax (Michael Lonsdale) - Why do Bond villains always seem to be an unhinged wealthy billionaire? Just goes to show, money ain't everything, kids. Even Bill Gates realized that in the last few years. Anyway, the menacing-sounding Drax, a cultured industrialist has a Noah complex where he wants to repopulate the Earth with better stock. How would he do that? Simple - build a fleet of space shuttles to ferry the chosen people to a hidden space station above the Earth, then destroy the Earth. Wait a sec. How the hell did he build the space station? Shouldnt that mean he already had those shuttles to bring workers and material up there, no? And you think you can just launch shuttles into space without the Superpowers knowing? Apparently, that's what happened cause the freaking CIA, MI-6 and KGB were caught napping, and had no clue a extinction-level threat was being constructed just above us. Yeah. Military intelligence is such an oxymoron.

"I inspired a Marvel Comics character ... Drax The Destroyer! Worship Me!"

Jaws (Richard Kiel) - on a child's suggestion (the director's nephew), the question was raised: 'why can't Jaws be a good guy?' Why not, indeed. The popularity of Kiel's character made the powers-that-be hold off on "offing" him in the last installment, but in bringing him back, they made him a caricature. He has several (failed) encounters with Bond in the film, and all of them proving to be of the Roadrunner vs Coyote kind. I mean, he could have held a "Goodbye!" sign, suspended in air, before he plunged into a waterfall. And as if that wasn't enough, they gave the giant a heart. A HEART!!! I take back all what I said last time about him being a badass. Yutz.

should evoke Beauty and the Beast if it weren't so creepy

Chang (Toshiro Suga) - If your butler can operate a G-Force machine, that is one highly-recruited butler. And he knows martial arts too. Wait, he's not a freaking butler.

that Asian moustache and 'do is soooooo 70s

Grade: B

The Girl(s)
Holly Goodhead (Lois Chiles) - the thing with Bond girls is that they never make a return appearance. After sticking it to the KGB girl last time, this time Bond makes an impression on the CIA (like he hasn't already with a dozen other spy agencies all over). Under the guise of a NASA scientist, Goodhead (eheh) infiltrates Drax industries (Drax doesnt even know. He builds killer satellites but just like the clueless governments, he doesn't know what's going on under his nose.). Mixes it up with Bond, works with him later. Actually doesn't do much except get rescued. Oh yeah, she does pilot their shuttle (I knew she had a purpose somehow) to escape the Drax's exploding satellite. Can also claim to be the first to have sex with Bond in zero-gravity conditions.

"You rode Honey, you had Pussy Galore, but I give. Good. Head!"

Corinne Dufour (Corinne Clery) - a Bond villain always has an assistant - a pretty young (if dumb) thing that Bond can happily uh, pump for information. And you know Bond - he hits, he runs. Corinne runs, but not fast enough to get eaten by Drax's dogs.

Manuela (Emily Bolton) - MI-6 themselves, have pretty young things in every station because God forbid, Bond has to fall off his quota of pretty young things wherever he needs to save the world. This time, in Rio, Manuela stalks him, serves him a drink, acts as the tourist guide, plays the damsel in distress, and of course, offers other services not included in the MI-6 Employee Manual.

good luck on getting a good picture with one hand, girl

all the other chicks (multiracial babes) - the forerunner of the Fem-Bots in the Austin Powers series, these chicks were just meant to procreate a better generation of mankind. Riiiiight. Emphasis on the process of procreation.

Bond suddenly had visions of retiring in this paradise

Grade: B+

Gadgets
This is a space adventure (well, for the last 20 minutes anyway), so the toys are mostly for the big boys. Who doesn't want a satellite hidden from every human and electronic eye on earth? Who doesn't like a powerboat with an arsenal? A hang glider? A laser gun? Gimme!!!

Early and late in the film, Bond uses a dart gun which fires either an armor-piercing or poisoned projectiles. Despite what they show you, this is a one-trick pony because reloading is a bitch.

Bond also uses an exploding watch with a wire (I don't get it), a smaller version of his old safe cracker (the one he used in You Only Live Twice was like a boombox), and miniature camera - hmmm, I wonder how many megapixels did he get back in '79?

Again, Q shows off some goodies like a machine gun concealed inside a sombrero-wearing dummy, and an exploding bola (they were meeting in a Brazilian monastery - wtf?). He also has laser guns being tested then, but never arms Bond with it. When the US Marines invade Drax's satellite, both sides already had this shit, and lit up space in a game of Lazer Tag. It looks silly now, but back then, for a 7 year old, that was cool.

If Bond used more of Q's stuff, this would have merited a higher grade.
Grade: B+

Bond Moments
Now the pre-credits scene tops the last one. Bond gets kicked out of a plane without a chute, so he has to procure one from the guy who jumped out first. Problem is, Jaws is on his tail. Excellent camerawork - I think this exposed skydiving to the masses.

Excellent action scenes especially with the battle on the Sugarloaf bondinho (cable car), high above Rio de Janeiro, and the powerboat chase through the Amazon. We never see Bond's powerboat go down through the waterfalls though.

A huge mascot closes in on Manuela in a dark alley, revealing himself as Jaws before attempting to do a Dracula on her. Too bad that was the only veneer of menace he showed during the movie.


you get points if you know how this Man is involved in the Bond mythos

The slow reveal of Drax's satellite ... this is a nod to the Death Star. Still, I think the satellite was left behind by Drax's alien paymasters. nyuknyuknyuk.

Bond films become officially a product placement vehicle.
Grade: A-

One Liners

Drax: Why did you break up the encounter with my pet python?
Bond: I discovered it had a crush on me.

Q: Be careful, will you? Now, there's ten darts: five blue-tipped, armor-piercing; five red-tipped, cyanide-coated, causing death in thirty seconds.
Bond: Very novel, Q. Must get them in the stores for Christmas.



Jaws: Here's to us.
WHAAAAA-?!?! He speaks!!!

Bond: What was that for?
Holly: For saving my life.
Bond: Remind me to do it more often!
(Goooooooaaaaaaaaaaaallllll!!!!)

Drax: Allow me to introduce you to the airlock chamber. Observe, Mr Bond, your route from this world to the next. And the treacherous Dr Goodhead; your desire to become America's first woman in space will shortly be fulfilled.
(Exhibit A: Talky Villain Stereotype. Bond should've kicked his ass on "airlock".)

Drax: You missed, Mr. Bond.
(Drax's sniper falls from a tree)
Bond: Did I?


But the best line goes to Q ...

Minister of Defense: My God! What's Bond doing?
Q: I think he's attempting re-entry, sir.

Everybody then ran out of theaters, looking for ways to have zero-gravity sex.

Grade: A-

Overall
Making the decision to capitalize on the sci-fi craze instead of pushing out the next scheduled Bond film, producer Cubby Brocolli reaped huge profits from what could have been a low budget B-movie if it didn't have the 007 name. Roger Moore was at his peak (despite being on the wrong side of 50) and the franchise was going strong. They just dropped the ball when, instead of having a recurring Blofeld-like villain worthy of Bond, they decided to neuter Jaws.

To conclude, I leave you with these:





preciooooouuuuuuusssssss ....

Grade: B+

the next step

the dust on Safari!!!

1st and 10 (Week 4)

thoughts from Week 3

Welcome back, Nawlins!

if only emotional highs could fix the area ...

- New Orleans Saints, 3-0. Houston Texans, 0-3. Are you rioting down in the Panhandle yet? Anyone burning Charlie Casserly effigies?

- Madden Curse strikes again!



now this is absolute reality TV (Redskins @Texans)

- Jeremy Shockey, shut up.

- Bill Belichick may be a cold hearted genius, and that may have won 3 SuperBowls, but will it also be his Waterloo?


wonder what this guy did with the bear after the game (Bears @Vikings)

- Chris Simms, tough SOB.

not like this SOB (who competed with Anna Nicole Smith for creating a media frenzy this week):

3 Letters for You, T.O.!

i was more interested in Jason Whitlock leaving ESPN/Page2, and his feud with Scoop Jackson.


and the best play of Week 3 *s*

well done, Mike Patterson (all 292 lbs of you)


Week 4 Prognostications
Indianapolis at NY Jets ... not in the Colts' class yet but will fight
New Orleans at Carolina ... will be Saints' first loss
Minnesota at Buffalo ... Bills will be better this week
Arizona at Atlanta ... Falcons will run better this week
San Diego at Baltimore ... the Philip Rivers balloon bursts
Miami at Houston ... hey, let's just root for an upset here
San Francisco at Kansas City ... Chiefs by a hair. or inches.
Dallas at Tennessee ... i'll be shocked if Cowboys lose this
Detroit at St. Louis ... still nada for Lions. try 2 TDs, Roy.
Jacksonville at Washington ... care to make another statement game, Jags?
Cleveland at Oakland ... puh-leaze.
New England at Cincinnati ... Brady has lots of problems
Seattle at Chicago ... Bears' secondary have to be very good
Green Bay at Philadelphia ... not in Lincoln Field, Mr. Favre

Last Week: 8-6
Overall: 26-20

the man behind the iron mask

Tony? Anthony Stark, is that you?



well, they announced today that Robert Downey Jr will play billionaire inventor/industrialist and alcoholic playboy Tony Stark in the upcoming Iron Man to be directed by Jon Favreau. to Downey's credit, he's had his own demons himself plus he's a great character actor anyway, so it might not be a bad choice (thank goodness they didnt go with Looney Cruise or Brad Pitt).

you can bet the armor will have its own distillation/fermentation system so Tony can down shots while in the battlefield. juuuuuuust kidding, kids!

zuney tune

just like their ventures in internet browsers, search engines and gaming consoles, Microsoft joins the game way too late. let's look at the givens:
$250 for 30Gb ... really, is that gonna sway you from a similar iPod? or any cheaper wannabe?
FM Radio tuner ... who listens to the radio these days? FM is dead. if it came with a free Sirius or XM subscription, that would be better.
Wireless connectivity ... but only to share songs with other Zunes. good luck in finding another within 5 miles.
$14.99 monthly music subscription pass ... for listening purposes only, and when the pass expires, you wont be able to access your tunes anymore. WTF??? that's high comedy.
Songs to own cost 79 Microsoft Points or roughly $1 ... dude, i never even buy shit in iTunes.
Syncs with xBox 360 ... oh yeah. that's very helpful.


the Zune will still use a new DRM (not the annoyingly-named PlaysForSure DRM), which already turns off the huge majority of those who own iPods and don't give a frak about DRM.

i'm still waiting for the open gadget that: plays all formats of music and videos, combine the best features of a blackberry and a PDA phone, and has a battery life longer than the circumference of the earth.

bottom line: only the AOL crowd and gadget-anal geeks will even think of buying one.

Microsoft's already gonna lose money - that's a given (xBox anyone?). and how long till viruses and hackers and spyware get into it? i reckon not too long.

i believe i can spy

James Bond DVD Collection Review #10
The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) - Lewis Gilbert

The Plot
Someone's hijacked 3 nuclear submarines, one from each of the main players of the Cold War - the US, the Brits and the Soviets. Bond is called in to investigate, while the Russians send their own agent - a female agent codenamed XXX, no less. And you know Bond's gonna hit that, when they get to work together. All that interagency uh, cooperation, probably made the warhawks and propagandists on both sides go into fits. Anyway, all signs point to a crazy (and wealthy) industrialist being the mastermind (where do all these people come from? is Bill Gates like this?) - and he wants to terraform the Earth so he can create a new one beneath the sea. Okay, why not just dive in and live there, asshole? Stop bothering us. And oh, thanks a lot for unleashing a certain "shark" on us.

Grade: A-

Locales
Egypt, Sardinia, and the on-sea sites - subs, a mammoth supertanker (the inside sets were built from scratch) and the villain's high-tech submersible and collosal headquarters
Grade: B+

The Man
Roger Moore
Moore stated in the documentary feature that the writers wanted to strip Bond away from the Connery cloth, where He-Man routinely roughs up his women (noted in my last review). Here, Moore turns the charm up, sneaks in a few nonplussed looks, and totally makes the character his own.
Grade: A

The Villain(s)
Karl Stromberg (Curt Jurgens) - Think Jacques Costeau crossed with Bill Gates money with a healthy dose of dementia. And he has thousands of underlings willing to do his bidding (yes, even kill). So who's crazier - the nut or those who follow the nut? I mean this is probably how Scientology operates. But for all his money and resources, he can't kill Bond. He can freakin' disable and capture 3 nuclear subs from superpowers but he can't whack a ladies man. Bond is much more man than him. The fact that Bond shot him in the balls kinda drives home the point.

Jaws (Richard Kiel) - Became one of the enduring icons of the Bond series, if not of cinema itself. The character design was pure genius. Cross a 7'2" giant with a mean streak, steel-capped shark teeth and the DNA of a cockroach, and you got Jaws. I mean, you could probably the nuke the area where he is, and he'll still crawl out from the ground. What if he had a healing factor? Frak!!! This was Wolverine before Wolverine!!!


He's so badass he even outchomps a shark (ok, they cheated - let's see him take on real full-sized Great White). Kiel, a gentle giant in real life, made such an impact that he would return in the next Bond movie. You could say he struck while the uh, metal was hot.

Sandor (Milton Reid) - A lesser aide-de-camp to Stromberg. He could have avoided falling off a Cairo building if only he took my advice and double-teamed Bond with Jaws. They never ever learn.

Aziz Fekkesh (Nadim Sawalha) - point man for black market goodies, like the microfilm for the plans of submarine tracking device stolen from Stromberg. Died in the Giza catacombs at the uh, mouth of Jaws.

Max Kalba (Vernon Dobtcheff) - Black market merchant who wanted to sell the plans for the tracking device. Again, died at the ... oh, you get the damn idea.
Grade: A

The Girl(s)
Major Anya Amasova (Barbara Bach) - Despite her rep as the Soviets' premiere field agent, she's as docile as a lamb, answers questions like the bookish class nerd, and we never see her kicking butt. So when she finds out that Bond killed her lover prior to this mission, she declares that she's gonna kill Bond after this mission is over (after of course, falling for his charms) - and of course no one believes her. Not even Bond.

Barbara Bach arrives as one of the prettier (and shapelier) Bond girls. This was probably the highlight of her career, as it was bookended by Italian B-Movies. At least she bagged a Starr. Ringo Starr, that is.

"I am Agent XXX. In my country that means 30, not the perverted notion you are thinking, you pervert!"

Naomi (Caroline Munro) - Stromberg's scantily-clad assistant (hey, she works on the water) after he fed the last one to a shark. Came close to killing Bond, but no cigar. What was her prior occupation? A helicopter gunship pilot in Vietnam?

Felicca (Olga Bisera) - More cannon fodder. Solely to delay Bond and set him up for a kill. Of course, she gets it from uh, behind.

The Girl in the Log Cabin (Sue Vanner) - Was the object of M's statement when he orders Bond to "pull out", so to speak ... of the mission, that is.

Hotel Receptionist (Valerie Leon) - Shown to be fooling around with Bond in the Deleted Scenes of the DVD, amping up Anya's rage at him after she discovers he killed her Russian boyfriend. juuuuuuust kidding.
Grade: A-

Gadgets
After eschewing the gadgets in The Man With The Golden Gun, the producers felt Bond wasn't Bond without them. So they're back with a vengeance.

The highlight would be the Lotus Esprit that doubles as a mini-submarine. Aside from proving itself in high-speed chases, it can also outrun submersibles underwater, and has offensive weaponry to boot. The car emerging from beneath the waves in the midst of a normal day at the beach is a definite cheer-inducing scene in any Bond movie.

Bond also uses a ski pole gun, a miniviewer for microfilms, and - egad! - a ticker-tape watch (remember the Dymo old-school labels?) ... good thing he wasn't using it to check the stock market. Bond also uses a jetski, quite futuristic for 1977 as it was still known as a 'wetbike', to rescue Anya in the movie's final scene.

Other goodies that Q showed off, but were never used, includes a spring-loaded seat to toss Middle Eastern radicals into the air while they watched belly dancers, a hookah pipe/gun, a saddle spike (ouch) and my favorite, a floating magnetized tray that was used to decapitate a dummy. Now that should have been used to dispatch Stromberg.

The bad guys, with their supertanker that 'swallowed' disabled subs (shades of You Only Live Twice), also had minisubs and tricycles whose sidecar functioned as a missile. I mean, aside from Bond, who did they intend to chase with it?
Grade: A

Bond Moments
The introductory pre-credit scene where Bond skis off a cliff, and with only the whispering wind as an aural backdrop, gently freefalls until his parachute opens (as the Union Jack, natch), presumably drew roars and raves from the audience back then. Such an opener became de facto standard for the rest of the series, kicking off its own "can you top this" contest for the most ridiculous yet awe-inspiring audience-grabber. It never became so clear to me as much as it did in Goldeneye.

Never leave the car keys in the car. Especially when you're working with a rival spy against a common enemy.

Stromberg eats at a 30-foot long dinner table, and he has a custom-made gun with the barrel extending up to the other end. He tries to kill Bond, fails miserably and then inexplicably the barrel is now just a hollow tube, because Bond just shoots him back in reverse using his own Walther PPK. Even more puzzling, Stromberg never makes a move to get out of the seat, run or escape. He probably was too amazed that Bond dodged his shot.

Atlantis, Stromberg's hideaway beneath the sea, strangely looks like a 4-legged spider. Presumably, it will be the center of his operations as he presides over a new world. But where the hell is he gonna get industrial resources to build such cities if the rest of the world is a nuclear wasteland? All that trouble for one man's wish to be left alone? He could have bought his own island and stayed there.


3 minutes is enough to avert nuclear disaster.

Grade: A-

One Liners

M: Moneypenny, where's 007?
Moneypenny: He's on a mission sir. In Austria.
M: Well, tell him to pull out. Immediately.
(scene cuts to Bond just finishing up with The Girl in the Log Cabin)

Q: Right. Now pay attention, 007. I want you to take great care of this equipment. There are one or two rather special accessories ...
Bond: Q, have I ever let you down?
Q: Frequently!

Hotel Receptionist: I have a message for you.
Bond: I think you just delivered it.

(admiring either Naomi or the boat)
Bond: What a handsome craft ... such lovely lines.

Bond: In my country, Major, a condemned man is usually allowed one final request
Anya: Granted
Bond: Let's get out of these wet things ...?
(Goooooooaaaaaaaaaaaallllll!!!!)

Minister of Defense: Bond! What do you think you're doing?
Bond: Keeping the British end up, sir.

Let's see who gets offended with this!

Bond: When one is in Egypt, one should delve deeply into its treasures.

Grade: B

Overall
From Carly Simon memorably performing Nobody Does It Better until the explosive finish and the final wink-wink scene, the Bond series found its legs again with its 10th outing. Sure, it cops from previous ones (skiing from On Her Majesty's Secret Service, preposterous hijacking methods from You Only Live Twice, train scene from From Russia With Love), but Roger Moore has legit claim to the role as anyone else with his performance here. Lewis Gilbert, in his second Bond go-round, is in his element as he used to direct various sea-themed war films.
Grade: A-

While Gorbachev was still Chairman of Youth Affairs:

That's it! The Cold War is Over! Why didn't we think of this earlier!?!?

The Mutant Quotient

I am giving the floor to one of my favorite sportswriters, Gregg Easterbrook, whose off-tangent ruminations in his weekly TMQ* column included my favorite mutants.

Miss Rogue, Your CT Scan Is Back. Would You Have Any Idea What This Internal Organ Is?
I want to know what kind of vitamins Magneto takes! They must be good vitamins because his powers increase movie-by-movie. In the first "X-Men" flick, Magneto could control ferrous metals within about 100 feet. Captured at the movie's end, he was imprisoned in a plastic cell reached by a 100-foot plastic bridge; the guards in the watch-room beyond the bridge were using metal, but Magneto's powers did not reach that far. In the second X flick, Magneto was able to snatch the crippled, plummeting X Jet out of the air and save it; the plane started decelerating hundreds of feet above the ground, indicating Magneto has increased his range. In the third movie, this summer's "The Last Stand," Magneto was able to levitate the entire 4,200-foot main span of the Golden Gate Bridge. Set aside what the main span of the Golden Gate Bridge must weigh -- it's nearly a mile long, meaning Magneto can project his power a much greater distance than previously. You can check the Golden Gate Bridge's live webcam to see if any mutant armies are crossing.

The X-Men movies have been the most entertaining Hollywood superhero stuff in years. In order to rationalize another sequel, I will even swallow everyone coming back to life, though coming-back-to-life is sci-fi's worst cliché. Obviously X III sets up Professor Xavier coming back to life. My guess is everyone comes back. Immediately after the movie my 11-year-old, Spenser, pointed out Logan never found Scott's body, just his glasses, while if Jean Grey is more powerful than Professor X and the Prof. could teleport his consciousness an instant before physical death, why couldn't Jean teleport hers too? The Last Stand was the abbreviated title for movie posters. The full title was Don't Worry News Corporation Shareholders, There Is No Way This Actually Is the Last Stand.

Of course, one must suspend disbelief when it comes to superheroes. But what TMQ always wonders about X-Men, Superman, the Flash and the rest is: Where are the body organs that support their powers? I'm willing to believe a superhero can fly, but where is the organ that provides propulsion? Supposedly Earth's yellow star activated in Kal-El powers that he would not have had under the red sun of Krypton. But still, some internal organ must produce the energy for his heat vision and the thrust for his flying and so on. In "Superman Returns," Supe can even fly faster than light, a power he lacked in the comics; apparently some organ too small to even bulge under his skin propels him to warp speed. Really, there must be some physical point of origin for a superhero's power. Storm must have a body organ that projects force fields that control weather. Iceman must have a body organ that can reduce temperature very rapidly, plus shed heat so Bobby doesn't boil. Where in their physiques are these organs?

Beyond that, the X-Men premise defies scientific thinking about natural selection, which holds that new organs develop very slowly across hundreds of generations. Assume some body organ can allow Shadowcat to walk through walls or Colossus to change his skin to steel: it's unimaginable such an organ could arise de novo in a single mutation. Many generations of relatively minor mutations would be required before a novel body organ could come into full functionality. Biologists from Richard Goldschmidt of the early 20th century to Stephen Jay Gould of the late 20th have speculated there is an as-yet-undiscovered natural mechanism that enables accelerated evolution. Otherwise it's hard to imagine how creatures lived through long chains of generations with still-evolving incomplete organs, since incomplete organs should be a fitness disadvantage and thus render their possessors less likely to reproduce. Unless the X-Men are an argument for intelligent design! The intelligent-design crowd believes natural selection can produce minor alterations in existing forms but cannot produce new organs or new species; a higher intellect controls that. The sudden, drastic evolutionary jumps depicted in the X-Men movies and comics sure feel like intelligent design. In fact one of the most interesting X-Men, Nightcrawler, asserts that the very rapid evolution he and his friends experience could not occur naturally and must be the result of God intervening for reasons not yet known.

Left unresolved by X III is whether Mystique, played by the scrumptious Rebecca Romijn, was nude. In her blue mutant form, Mystique seemed to be wearing a blue thong bikini. But when Romijn lost her powers, her blue skin turned the Caucasian shade and she collapsed to the ground naked. Did her bikini lose its powers too? In another scene, Wolverine's shirt was torn by projectiles that ripped his flesh. His miraculous powers healed the flesh - when we saw Logan an instant later, his shirt looked brand new. Was he wearing a jerkin of self-healing wool made from mutant sheep?

X3 on DVD out Oct. 3. $18 regular edition, $26 special edition on J&R, only for first few days.

* that's Tuesday Morning Quarterback for you fellas at home

you are gold!

continuing my James Bond review from 2 years back. why did i stop anyway? oh, that's right, The Man With The Golden Gun disc was unreadable at some point, and i just didn't want to proceed further without completing the thing. now it seems to work fine again (actually no, the bugger still stopped 3/4ths into the disc so i had to find a way).

with less than 8 weeks before the release of Casino Royale, i'd better get crackin'.


the Lee and Tattoo Comedy Show came to a grinding halt because of discriminatory labor practices - Tattoo only got a third of Lee's salary

James Bond DVD collection review #9
The Man with the Golden Gun (1974) - Guy Hamilton
The Plot
Someone is out to whack a scientist who has a design to harness solar energy into industrial-scale power. This assassin uses golden bullets, charges a million bucks for a kill ... and has a thing for James Bond (yeah, they kind of distribute Bond's dossier to every bad guy on the planet). And not only that - he's actually more of a threat to Bond's rep as the ultimate lady killer - he has freakin' three nipples!!!
Grade: C+

Locales
Beirut, Macau, Hong Kong, the insides of the HMS Queen Elizabeth, Bangkok, and some private island
Grade: B-

The Man
Roger Moore. almost trying to supress a smirk for most of the movie.
Grade: B

The Villain(s)
Francisco Scaramanga (Christopher Lee) - the Man with the Golden Gun, a master of the one-shot deal. Wonder what happens if he misses? That's right, he dies. Lee actually steals the movie from Moore here, and parlayed it into a longer career as well. The future Saruman/Count Dooku already showed he can play villains with terrifying ease.

Nick Nack (Hervé Villechaize) - Scaramanga's aide-de-camp, butler, bodyguard and possibly life coach as well. the diminutive Frenchmidget Villechaize paved the way for vertically-challenged actors - Weng Weng (who is said to be popular in France), Mini-Me (who probably isn't), Tony Cox (Bad Santa) and Peter Dinklage (The Station Agent), to name a few - to have substantial parts in films. But hold on - given his stature, its a wonder he didn't complain taking orders when his boss can do the same shit in less time. Villechaize, said to have some Filipino roots himself, made his mark in TV's Fantasy Island, before committing suicide back in 1993.

Hai Fat (Richard Loo) - stereotypical evil industrialist type who's eyeing this solar gadget thingy, and whose brains isn't enough to deduce that he should kill Bond asap, and not send him off to his private dojo to trade kicks and punches with ...

Chula (Chan Yiu Lam) - stereotypical martial arts bully, who thinks he's the bees knees, both to his sensei and the ladies
Grade: B+

The Girl(s)
Andrea Anders (Maud Adams) - Scaramanga's girl-everyday, who can't stand him so much that she sends a golden bullet to Bond so he can rescue her from her dreary lifestyle. So why the hell did she get into that relationship with a hitman in the first place. Geez, i don't understand women. At least Bond got his uhm point in the moment she threw herself at him. 'Cause you never know when a stray golden bullet might hit you. True enough, she gets offed in the midst of a Thai kickboxing match. But Adams would return 9 years later as a better-named character. K-Ching!

Mary Goodnight (Britt Ekland) - the poster girl for blonde+blue-eyed Swedes plays MI6's agent-in-place in HK. Mary had the hots for Bond for years and finally she gets what she wants ... but not before enduring the humiliation of being bundled by 007 inside the closet because Andrea Anders knocked on the door of his hotel room (and knocked boots with him thereafter).

Saida (Carmen du Sautoy) - Lebanese bellydancer who kept the the remains of the golden bullet that killed 002 as a lucky charm on her bully button. Of course you know Bond had to retrieve that somehow.

Chew Mee (Francoise Therry) - With only a few lines (and even less clothing), nothing further is known about this honey. Get those search engines going!
Grade: A-

Gadgets
Not much in use here, except for that homing device used by Goodnight to track Scaramanga's car - homing devices are a dime a dozen. And the fake 3rd nipple to gain access to Hai Fat? That really didn't get him anywhere, did it? Just an invitation to get beat up at dinnertime.

Scaramanga, of course, had his Golden Gun, his high-tech junk and his flying car (which looks ridiculous).

Methinks they were toning down the gadgetry here (and upping Q's intelligence work), just to establish Bond's resourcefulness and street-smarts (much like what they'll be doing in Casino Royale.
Grade: C-

Bond Moments
Who else would be vacationing in Bangkok during the motorboat chase scene? The redneck Sheriff JW Pepper, that's who! not to mention he gets "drafted into service" as Bond hijacks a car supposed to be test-driven by the cop.

What's with the stereotypical Asian sidekick? Oh yes, this was the height of the British Empire (snort). Lt. Hip (Soon Teck-Oh, below) even has a couple of teenage nieces whose only roles in the movie are to make sure Bond isn't beaten up further, and also to lend a subtle hint of ahhh, Oriental delights. I think the original script had them working at the Bottoms Up club. Naughty, naughty.

Hey, babyboomers! Recognize me from kungfu chopsuey flicks on TV?

Nick Nack: "Where could yourhh gun be, Mithh-ter Thhcaramanga?" (more of a moment than a quote)

MI6, avoiding Chinese and American spies, sets up shop in the dark recesses of the Queen Elizabeth, an ocean liner that sank in HK Harbor back in 1972. See what history can teach you, kids?

Nick Nack dressed in a ... what do you call that pseudo-Japanese midget demon schtick? And he had a pitchfork and would have gone down in history as the one to kill Bond, but noooooo ... Mr. Fat (Mr. Fat?? shouldn't it be Mr. Hai??) stops him.

Bond eschewing the rules in martial arts duels and just taking out the guy right at the bowing part. Did that not start a trend (see Jones, Indiana)?

And there's this persistent urchin on the canal selling a carved wooden elephant for 100 baht. He gets to Bond and it goes down to 20. Bond promises him 25,000 baht if he could get the malfunctioning motor going. Urchin does so triumphantly. Bond just pushes him off his motorboat. He's so mean! Nyahahaha.


Pleased To Meet You. Bond wont be invited as a VAW speaker anytime soon.

And speaking of mean, the first time he meets Andrea, he roughs her up - twists her arm, slaps her, grabs her by the robe neckline. She probably thinks its a lot better than living with a hitman. True. Scaramanga did shoot her later. But that was for sleeping around. I really don't get women. (note: Bond probably doesn't too, ergo his rep of mistreating women. Duh.)

and this says it all (circa 1974, this was just flat-out gutsy!):

Grade: B+

One Liners
(on M's concern that Scaramanga might be out to get Bond)
Bond: Who'd pay a million dollars to have me killed?
M: Jealous husbands! Outraged chefs! Humiliated tailors! The list is endless!

Bond: Moneypenny, you are better than a computer!
Moneypenny: In all sorts of ways ... but you never take advantage of them.

(after Bond swallows the golden bullet from Saida's belly button)
Saida: I lost my charm!
Bond: Not from where I'm standing.

Bond: He even invited me for dinner. He must've found me tit-tillating. (throws away fake nipple)

Sheriff JW Pepper: You just try that in my bayou, boy! I'd haul your ass!
(which he could have done, in the last movie)

Scaramanga: Fat has just resigned. I am the new Chairman of the Board.
(goes outside)
Scaramanga: Fat always did like that mausoleum. Put him in it.

Bond: Good morning, how's the water?
Girl: Why don't you come in and find out?
Bond: Sounds very tempting, miss...
Girl: Chew Mee.
Bond: Really?
Bond: Well, there's only one small problem, I have no swimming trunks.
Girl: Neither have I.
(and then that killjoy Hai Fat interrupts the festivities)


Bond: What made you change your mind?
Mary Goodnight: I'm weak. (goooooaaaaaaaalllll!!)


M: Bond? Bond, are you there? Goodnight?
Bond: She's just coming, sir.
M: Goodnight? Goodnight? Goodnight!
Bond: Good night, sir.
(you have to watch that)


Grade: B

Overall
One of the lesser Bond moneymakers. Bond didn't seem threatened at all. A veritable walk in the park.
Grade: B



Bond couldn't figure out why there were headlights in the bathroom ...

V.I.Deo is there

now that i got my PS2 back, it was time to address the hassle of yanking cables out of my 3 year-old TV to switch between the game console and my DVD. prior to this, i was using a simple RadioShack selector switch which didn't have any component video jacks. for a while it was ok to walk over and press a button to switch between the two.

i was considering a receiver for awhile now, but the limited space in my shoebox apartment wasn't quite enticing to make full use of a receiver (it equates to the need for better speakers and thus, home theater planning for a space that barely enough and isn't mine anyway). besides, funds are hard to come by these days, and i believe in getting what you pay for, so i'd rather go for a higher end machine that will last awhile, but if there's a bargain for the short term, why not?

enter the Pelican.

we moseyed over to J&R (NYC's best gadget place - lucky to have been working 10 mins away from there all these years) and look up this crude $19.99 selector switch we saw on their website. but whoa! there's an even better version ... The Score System Selector Pro 2.0 (from Pelican Accessories, a company dedicated to gaming accessories).


somebody finally wised up to the fact that gadget-savvy people need more than your basic video hookups, so finally here's one with 5 device inputs (6 if you count the one in front) - complete component video, S-video and AV jacks for each. added bonus would be the LAN (ethernet) I/Os (making this a hub) and optical I/Os for future high-end devices.

its slim enough to be stackable (that's it sandwiched between my new DVD player and my old DVD/VCR combo)


granted its not made by any of the biggies, so the LCD display seems crude, but it does the job.


it also has a cute remote control, whose brushed metal casing reminds me of my college project, a remote-control switch for small appliances.


check that out, momma!!! (which means i need an xbox and a PS3 ... ok, ok, stop making screwed up faces)


more inputs .... gooooooooooooooooooood.


ok, maybe it was just a Pixar film and i'm imagining things, but i liked the bright vibrant colors ... wheeeee!


i've seen some negative reviews where they had faulty jacks, but this is a short-term (could be a long short-term) solution. so far, its worth the bang for my buck. a poor man's receiver, indeed.


The Score System Selector Pro 2.0
$100, J & R