Wanted: Bandmates

do you recognize these names: Cactus World News. Hoodoo Gurus. Screaming Blue Messiahs. Hummingbirds. Oingo Boingo. you must love the Pet Shop Boys, strangely adore the Housemartins, bob your head to Big Audio Dynamite, and know who Electronic and Revenge are. if you guys can play the whole Deception album from Colourfield, what the hell are you standing around for?

guitarist must at least know and can play the whole 20 year catalogue of late 70s/80's/early 90's alternative music - ranging from the Clash, the Cult, Living Colour, the Smiths, Prefab Sprout, Sisters of Mercy, and even Gene Loves Jezebel. you don't have to be The Edge; you just have to be almost like him. if you don't know who Stuart Adams or Moe Berg is, goodbye.

bassist must be of the same ilk as my guitarist. knows the Cure/Bunnymen performance style down pat. should have more hair and less paunch than Hooky. can out-Prince Prince himself and create funky and dancey basslines out of thin air.

drummer/percussionist required not only to know how to program a drum machine, he must also be like one. important for those dance numbers we will be performing like spastic monkeys. think Information Society's "Walking Away", Depeche Mode's "World In My Eyes", and New Order's "Confusion".

keyboardist/pianist must be female, and aside from being the synth wiz working in tandem with the drummer to program whole sets, should also have powerful pipes as a secondary vocalist, but can also step up to perform and channel Maria McKee ("Shelter"), Tracy Tracy ("Crash"), Edie Brickell ("Love Like We Do"), Tracey Thorn ("One Place") and Annie Lennox ("The Last Time"). the way my ideal band was going to shape up, she was going to hook up with the guitarist, and everybody's one big happy family.

everyone should not be afraid to embrace technology, but still not allow it to rule our music. everyone should not be afraid to play cheesy pop songs, but still be loyal to the era we came from. we should be able to veer smoothly from A-Ha's "Living a Boy's Adventure Tale" to the Kane Gang's "Don't Look Any Further" cover, then barrel into Midnight Oil's "Bullroarer", the lazy funk of INXS's "Know the Difference", the chainsaw feedback of the Jesus & Mary Chain's "U.V. Ray", the soul stomp of Curiosity Killed The Cat's "Ordinary Day" and then mellow down with a helping of Aztec Camera's "How Men Are".

me? can't sing a lick, have no vocal training, but i will be the lead. i am the musical dictator, but you love me.

ideally, no one should think they're bigger than the band, and will hone their skills for the love of performing even if there is no money and ignore catcalls of being "just a cover band".



if you don't even know more than a couple of songs or bands mentioned, you better stop reading this and go play with your kittens. otherwise, drop me a line.



ok, what was i thinking? its not 1991 anymore. drat.