Hallway. Not. (a What If)

last Saturday night, i was looking forward to Game 7 between the Suns and the Lakers. then i realized i didn't have TNT. damn. so then the Suns pulled out the win and clinched the series. but everyone else was thinking ahead for a 2nd round match between the 2 L.A. teams, including me.

and so ... rats. the post that never was. nope, am not going to make the cut in the ESPN Sportswriter exam.

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i had this post prepared even before the Lakers stunned the Suns in the first round. i know i was rooting for the Suns, and if it did go that way, the heading could have been ... "What IF.. ?", and i would still post it.

but here we are, Staples Center the site of a collision course between the two L.A. basketball teams, which is the first ever in history of the city's sports teams. the snobby Lakers are always expected to be playing past March, while the underdog Clippers somehow manage not to, year after year. well, for this season at least, the Sports Gods have somehow bestowed "Parity for the Pair of You", and divided the city in a Solomonic gesture. whoever wins, there will be riots.



in the Battle of L.A., here are some interesting subplots, aside from the traditional Prince-and -Pauper dynamic going on:

Kobe vs Sam I Am
who has the biggest cojones on the court? has Kobe toned his act down? has he understood the concept of a TEAM? holy cannoli! say it ain't so! drop us at least 50! Sam would, if he could!

Mike Dunleavy vs Phil Jackson
15 years ago, Jackson's Bulls won their first-ever championship at the Lakers' expense. those '91 Lakers were coached by Dunleavy. now Dunleavy is still coaching an L.A. team, its just the other L.A. team. so this time, its either Dunleavy loses, again, or the Lakers lose, again. run that by me again, will ya?

Odom vs Brand
ex-AAU (Riverside Church, NY) and ex-Clipper teammates Lamar Odom and Elton Brand meet in the playoffs as opponents, and who gets the best of whom? Odom in particular, will be booed by the Clipper fans for displaying only potential during his stint with them. Brand, meanwhile, has been a consistent force in his 7 years in the league, and getting far in the Playoffs, in his first time, is sweet.

X-Yugos
we have the Serbian Clippers, Vlad Radmanovic and Zeljko Rebraca, teaming up against a former countryman, the Slovene Laker Sasha Vujacic. should we call the U.N.? is Vlade Divac in the crowd with a sniper rifle? though we must note, Divac played for the Lakers. but who's to say his allegiance is not greater to his country?

Street Legends
its always a nice story for sports athletes to have made the "Leap" - grabbing destiny by the throat and making good. William Henry "Smush" Parker was an outstanding West 4th St player, went undrafted, bounced around the league, until finally taking the driver's seat for Jackson's Lakers. Shaun Livingston, in the meantime, was already a prep ball legend before jumping from high school to the Clippers - only to have injuries ruin most of his 2 year career. He's already healthy and showing the signs of becoming another terrific hybrid point guard (6'7" with multi-positional skills).

Von Wafer vs. Vin Baker
i am not kidding. look it up. chances are, you won't get to see them on the floor anyway. nyhahahaha!

Warm It Up Chris
Warm it up Chris
I'm about to
Warm it up Chris
cause that's what I was born to do

despite similar numbers, i'll take Clipper wildman Chris Kaman over Laker stiff Chris Mihm any day.


Separated At Birth


Did you ever see Corey Maggette and Devean George on the same court together? in the same picture? no? well, it figures ... they're the same person!!!

X-Factor pt 1 (Pussycat Dolls)
Cuttino "Cat" Mobley vs Kwame Brown. The former's a conscience-free gunner who provides bench offense for the Clippers, the latter is first-ever #1 pick from high school and considered a bust league-wide until the last few months in Lakerland. hey, even his current coach called him another name for a feline animal and a female anatomical part. see the connection?

X-Factor pt 2
Quinton Ross. who the hell names their kid Quinton (hey, for that matter, you have Von and Smush)? no matter, QRoss is another Bruce Bowen in-the-making. yes, you need to shut KB8 down. on the other side, you have Luke Walton. no matter how annoying his papa Bill is, you just got to love the hustle and brains of this kid. he won't be a superstar, but he will be an important cog in championship teams.

Jack Nicholson vs. Malcolm (In The Middle)
i don't care if he's geriatric; Frankie Muniz should kick his ass. Can you imagine ol' Jack gloating "Ever Dance with the Devil in the Pale Moonlight?" over Frankie's battered body?


and i don't have cable. ah, shiitake.