... i was just rantin'

2 years. 2 exercises in futility.

First one had me going back the same path that was abruptly broken back in 2001 (same anniversary as the 9/11 disaster, so that really resonates). It was good for me in a way, because it allowed me deal with ghosts that would have otherwise haunted me in one way or another, no matter how little. And when it became clear that we had outgrown each other, and there was no way either one would be giving up pride anytime soon, the only logical thing was to say goodbye for the 2nd and final time. I did not actively seek her out to be together again - the opportunity just presented itself - but in retrospect it was meant to be that way. We all say we would like to find closure for things that have bothered us, for events that had people wrong us. There may have been "closure"-like events, but then when the real one hits you, like it hit me a year ago, you know. No one is to blame this time. And with letting go came peace. If she is happy out there somewhere, I am at peace with that. I hope she is.

For the second one, it seemed like a very good idea at that time. And with me trying to see if I am able to start something with someone who doesn't know anything about me previously. For awhile it was fine, yet somehow I kept sweeping doubts under the rug. Most of the doubts were for me. And things under the rug have a way of mothballing into something you'll have to deal with sooner or later. I questioned whether I really liked her. I questioned my intentions. I questioned my commitment. And the answers came out ... not-so-good. Selfish? Yes. Undisputably. But I think I have shared enough of myself, and I consider it unfair if I go on doing it, without the same level of love and commitment, just for the sake of keeping things going. Nor will it also be fair if I would be projecting happiness where there is a dearth of such.

And now, to distance yourself and still come out a decent guy - that takes a lot of skillful maneuvering and sacrifice (which I think I obviously did not want to do - jerk!). Funny to think that both relationships only blossomed during the football offseason, and here I am, extricating myself again at the proper "time". Its difficult - but I have to do it because its not fair to her. And heaven forbid, come February next year, I will again fool myself into thinking that I should be settling, because raised and kept standards is fucking foolish and stupid.

If I am really, really, really in love, I would not be sitting here on my butt writing scathing commentaries about myself. I would be going out there buying lots of silly and funny cards to write lots of silly and funny and witty and lovely words expressing how I feel about her. I will be calling her every single chance I get. I will try to see her at every opportunity. I will be very interested in her to the point that I will risk getting served a restraining order. I would be tossing around kids' names even before we are even in a position to make them. I would imagine our kids running around wild and free, yet be behaved and quiet at Daddy's say-so. I would dream of family picnics, movie evenings, homework nights, and bedtime stories. I would be scared at the thought of her leaving me. She will get me, as I get her. But mostly she will just get me. I would not be scared of venturing out into the world everyday, uninspired and hesitant. I will not yearn for nightfall to arrive, just to get the day over with. I will not be afraid. I will be very, very proud of her.




If there's any reason why I'm not settling down, it sure as hell ain't the gadgets. Hey, let's play the gay card, to end all speculation. Look out, world - I'm gay!!!


No, if anything, its because someone set the bar so high for me, its almost crippling. Now, its almost impossible odds.

So be it then.