dvd on tap: Cellular [David Ellis]

Who wants to believe that soccer mom Jessica Martin (Kim Basinger) can make a call out of a shattered phone? Not I, said the Grif (and everyone who watched the movie). OK, she's a science teacher and all, but ...

Let's suspend our common sense for 90 minutes and enjoy the movie now, shall we? So she gets kidnapped by gun-toting bad guys, they up the ante by kidnapping her only son too, and her only hope is beach bum/slacker Ryan (Chris Evans), whose number is the one she dials when she tries crossing them phone wires together. Ryan suddenly develops a case of hero-itis, probably because he's so ashamed that he can't even keep a hottie girlfriend (Jessica Biel). How come she manages to connect to a whitebread hunk, and not that wimpy Asian guy? Because this isn't a comedy, you moron.

The reason for kidnapping Mrs Martin is because she named their only son Ricky (no, really!). Actually, Mr Martin is a videobug and is a witness to a gangland rubout. Ergo, the baddies want his camera and his life and his family's too. Poor Ricky. Doesn't even get the chance to be in the American Menudo.

But wait! Whitebread hunk Ryan doesn't have to do this by himself. He needs help. We have the always-competent William H. Macy as a retiring desk jockey cop finally getting a break, and is the only one who manages to piece it all together (aren't those instincts honed by being on the beat for years?). Of course, on the other side, we have the Dark Side cops and the main bad guy, Jason Statham. Yes, THE Jason Statham. He should be in an XMen movie someday (Cable?). Him and that Oded Fehr dude (that's another movie).


"You're my agent! Get me off this movie quick! What? Did you say Fantastic Four?"

Unlike Phone Booth, this one doesn't have a twist. Or at least a cliffhanging ending. But my biggest beef is: barely 10 minutes of screentime for Jessica Biel? Who's the wiseguy who decided that? I should go watch Blade: Trinity pronto. If I had it.