we got talent!

and she traveled all the way here for this.

bravo, Madam Prez. hope you get a couple of million at least. as long as most of it don't go into some fat pig's pockets.

fool for all seasons

on a previous post, i mentioned a customer who's fond of being a know-it-all (but really knows nothing) and likes to point fingers when the going gets tough. turns out i have an email thread where he once again, for the gazillionth time, pissed me off, but i had to maintain a professional attitude and keep myself from sending sarcastic emails, especially since like this pig, i have an acerbic vit. (wait! i actually don't.) one of my bosses did applaud me for keeping my cool, because they all know what a jackass this customer is. whoever said that the customer is always right can rightfully burn in hell right now.

names may have been changed to protect the innocent, words may be substituted for conciseness, but the grammar (and spelling) have not been changed to protect the competent.
-----

so the other day i receive this email from the subject, whom we shall call JP (for Just Pathetic).


Please let me the status of this request. XYZ is in the process of upgrading to Vista/Office 2007.

right away, two things already blew me off my chair. (1) i already replied to this more than two weeks ago. he doesn't seem to read his email, or more likely, he doesn't know how to use email. my colleague once told me JP was in awe of the Search tool in Outlook (true story). oh dear god. so i think his bosses were following up with him, and in his haste to cover his tracks again, rattled off a quick email that (2) showed off his scintillating typing skills. much is lost when communication skllz r lacking. ask the damn txters.

should i "let him ... the status"? let him what? eat the status? change the status?

and don't even get me started with the whole idea of migrating to Vista in the first place. doesn't anyone read? i suspect he bought a Dell PC for his home use, and seeing it was loaded with Vista, drooled at the nice graphics and proceeded to push Vista for all the desktops in his company. he probably doesn't understand all these Mac vs. PC commercials.

so, brushing off the annoying mosquito, i reply with: (bold/emphasis mine)


i sent you the email below 26 days ago.

as you will only be upgrading XYZ user workstations to Vista/Office 2007, you only need to upgrade to patch version NNN to achieve this.

What is your timetable on the upgrade? That was my unanswered question below.
----
When do you plan on switching all user workstations to Vista/Office 2007?


we exchange a couple more emails, all the while with me operating on the assumption that he was speaking of the user workstations, not the application servers. so when the time came for me to confirm that assumption:


I assume your Windows servers containing this application, this application and that application will remain as is, even if the users switch to Vista.


he comes back with a horrifying reply:

I didn't understand you mean by this email


i didn't change anything, i swear to God, i pasted that as is. yes, yes, your brain works much faster than your fingers, but that's a minor point. and here he is, doing the perfect mimicry of a moron. which is like a second skin to him. wait - could it be ... he is a moron?


i try to be helpful, but fearful that i opened a can of worms here (for him, not for me). its like talking to a man who murdered his wife and kids on national TV, only he doesn't know everyone knows. "murder? what do you mean?"


I mean the users will be using Vista workstations, while your (application) servers which are (now on) Windows 2003(?) will remain as is (will not be upgraded to Vista).


hey, i don't claim to be technical (JP claims that he is - true story). that's why we used to have a guy asking our customers these questions. so JP is lucky he's dealing with me.

okay, now, he gets a bit riled up and is probably starting to wonder why he is dealing with a moron like moi.


The servers will be upgraded to Vista/Office 2007, that's the whole purpose of these emails going back and forth.

there you have it, my dear audience. written as plain as day (and emphasis mine).

okay, let me tread on safe ground here. let's make sure we record his statements, and let him entrap himself.


now that you have clarified that part, (my company has) no control over this Application's (the database) and that Application's (middleware) (because they're not our products; our software just plays with them) compatibility with Vista . i suggest you also ask your tech support to check with Microsoft/IBM. From our point of view, we can only control the our application's compatibility issues.

we can do our part on our application and do more tests; however, you would also cover bases on your side by making sure of the tech guys' responsibility to ensure that both Applications can be installed/will work on a Vista box without any problems, since that is the direction XYZ is taking.


was i clear enough? was i polite enough? did i lay the facts (as gleaned from him) straight up? yes, i think i did. the last time we did an upgrade with these guys, their tech guys were scratching their heads not knowing what roles they had to play. either they're also really braindead, or JP did a great job communicating who's going to do what.

i suspect that a lot of the problems they've had with our software had been accidentally or inadvertently, caused by JP. seriously. if XYZ was Iraq, and we were George W. Bush, we would get it right. this guy is a walking, talking WMD. i can't even trust him to create a formula, even though he's been working with our software since the Clinton Administration. he's already an AVP! (Alien Vs Predator)

and they pay these people gazillions of dollars? no wonder the economy is going down the drain.


now it gets better! seeing an opportunity to take down a meek cat like me (i promise, the meek shall not inherit the Earth), JP goes in for the kill: (bold/emphasis mine again)


I think you are missing the point here. Please verify your applications to be compatible with Vista/Office 2007. Please don't pay attention to the other products, since we did not ask you anything about the other products.


in other words, just shut the fuck up, grifter (look! i cussed!), and just tell us if your application is compatible or not. moron!


so, since I missed the point (allegedly), i took my wounds and the emails to my own management and humbly requested to be enlightened.



this is the part where my boss applauds me for being professional. suuuuuuuuuuure. blogging will be my revenge. nyahahahahahahaa!


so after deep consultation with the powers and minds that be, i go back to JP with the following questions:


If you plan on changing your current (Windows 2000) server to Vista (as stated in your previous email), (we need) the following information from you:
1. If using Windows Vista - what service pack and is it 32-bit or 64-bit?
2. What version of the database will be installed in this Vista box and What service pack?


he was probably drunk the day before. now he replies:


The window Vista will be used on the Desktops, the servers will run Window 2008/Office 2007.

Windows Vista is for the new version release for desktops
It will be released with SP1.
The O/S is running on 32-bit version

Please let me know if you need any more information.



wow. did anybody read the first line of that reply?

window Vista will used on desktops, servers will run Window 2008 ...


am not sure if Microsoft makes 'Window Vista' or 'Window 2008'.

but anyway, let's go back to what he said earlier, and you get a free cookie if you can remember without scrolling up or down.






The servers will be upgraded to Vista/Office 2007, that's the whole purpose of these emails going back and forth.

Please don't pay attention to the other products, since we did not ask you anything about the other products.


he's lucky i didn't blind copy his bosses. he'd probably be storming thru our doors right now brandishing a gun and his pink slip.


and i didn't get even a hint of an apology. he probably already deleted the previous email thread (wait, he may not even know where the Delete button is!), just to claim innocence on any stupid statement he "may" have made.

utterly contemptible. and i don't buy the excuse of being ignorant. as the wife rants when she has her own voodoo dolls to push pins into, "they ought to have been gassed at birth". sorry. wait, am not sorry.


this is not even at par with those jaw-dropping moments that JP has exhibited in the past; i forgot more than i remember. for now, i am committing it to the blogosphere, to celebrate the April Fool, nay, a fool for all seasons.

God, i love missing the point.

factory recall

manning the software help(less)desk, you get to meet all sorts of people. of course we all hate the dumbass one. another would be the one who keeps saving his ass and throws you under the bus at every opportunity, to make himself look good with his management (and not get fired). we actually have one who is both.

anyway, i have another customer contact who's kinda a little slow. i think whatever he soaked up from me in the past year or so kind of drains out of him when he pees or something. he's fond of sending emails where "he can't seem to recall this" or "can't seem to figure out that" or "can't seem to remember whatever". God knows, i write up long pages of Dummies Guides and nothing seems to work for him. too bad, he seems like a nice guy. let's call him TR, for "Total Recall".

by the way, i should get paid by the page for writing Dummies Guides. $10 a page sounds nice.


just today i get an email from TR, regarding a parameter fix i suggested two days ago:
----

... this change did not work as per user's email. I've gone back and checked to make sure that the changes were made correctly. blah blah blah blah in any event, it's not working as we had anticipated. can you have a look at this and let me know?

----

i go check and come back with:

----
as per your original email, you said they wanted this in (this function).

now if they're saying another function (which we obviously did not do), can you get a screenshot?

----

so i imagine him reading my email and smiling cheerfully as he typed back (before he probably went off to the local coffee shop and had a latte):

----

I'm following up with the user now and will get back to you.

----

which is what you should have done in the first place, you mook. now let me get back to ESPN.com and stop bothering me.

i don't know, i just feel sensitive these days.



breaking update (within 90 minutes):

here's one he sent just after i clicked on "Publish Post" the first time on this:
----
how can I find out which blah blah blah associated with the following? when I check out the properties for the blah blah blah i see that the blah blah blah, but I don't know how to blah blah blah.
----

so i reply:

you need to check out this this and this and from that, it will tell you which blah blah blah are involved.

it seems more and more that the issue scope is always wider than what they initially tell you.

----

of course he replies:

i'll have a look at calculations and formulas and get back to you.
yes, I agree with you. i've addressed the issue with them that we've been having with the business giving us the wrong information or simply leaving things out of the requirements. It's partly due to various users only having partial knowledge of what the others do, so that leads to some confusion. in any event, it causes more work and frustration for us.
----

us? us?? you mean me!! it causes more work and frustration for me!! there is no us!!

and he's free ...

so many words have been written in the last 72 hours on Gollum Eliot Spitzer's fall from grace (grace? he was in a state of grace?), and mine wouldn't even matter. we started this week with a dumb girl, and we're ending it with a dumb gov. or maybe something much more spectacular would happen this weekend.

too many people jumped at the chance to rattle off their 10 cents worth, and we should be thankful that Rep. Joe Bruno had enough class not to pile on. even former Hollywood madams got into the act, explaining how the deal works. the lesson here, kids, is once you're in public office, all bets are off. prepare for the fall.

well, whaddaya know ...

... Hammerhead is dirty!!


"damn, i should have taken the first flight to South America!"