but now i see

James Bond DVD collection review #17
GoldenEye (1995) - Martin Campbell
The Plot
The Russians have a killer satellite. And if that wasn't scary enough, it winds up in the hands of a rogue organization, led by a former 00 agent and once a friend to James Bond, who saw him die years ago. With the collapse of the former Soviet Union, it wasn't too long before organized crime practically ran the country. Ripped as usual from the headlines of the day, GoldenEye pits Bond against his deadliest adversaries yet. This film marks the return of the world's greatest secret agent to prominence.

Superpowers used phallic symbols to piss on the planet
Grade: A

Locales
Monte Carlo, St Petersburg, Cuba
Grade: A-

The Man
Pierce Brosnan
Suave, sophisticated yet showing a toughness to match, Brosnan breathes new life into the Bond character and catapults it headlong into a new era. Long been recruited to the role, he finally accepts the mantle and makes it his own. A great career choice after the modest success of Mrs Doubtfire and the long-cancelled Remington Steele.
Grade: A

The Villain(s)
Alec Trevelyan (Sean Bean) - I only saw Bean once before 1995, as a bastardly IRA soldier hellbent on killing Harrison Ford in Patriot Games, and here he reprises that bastardly character with a lot more cool and restraint this time around. His character probably introduced the world at large to Cossacks and the worst period in their history. Cossacks were known to be great military men and strategists, and Trevelyan honored his heritage well, until he runs up against his old English comrade who didn't seem to know how to quit. But then, as Bond said, he was nothing more than a common thief, planning to hack into bank systems to transfer vast amounts of money before sending London back to the Middle Ages with an EMP blast.

Gen. Arkady Ourumov (Gottfried John) - Oblivious to the fact that his main partner in crime was a Cossack, Ourumov, head of Space Division, had no compunctions betraying his country for money. John plays the part well, and I liked it especially when he sees Bond chasing him with a tank - and the best thing he could do was take a swig from his liquor bottle.

Boris Grishenko (Alan Cumming) - Inside man that allowed Trevelyan and Ouromov to steal the GoldenEye. Became a hero to nerds and hackers/crackers everywhere for about 10 minutes until he cracks under pressure. And gets doused with liquid nitrogen (and why would there be liquid nitrogen in a satellite control facility?). Cumming, whose mutant teleportation power had not yet manifested itself, was a closet gay then and actually auditioned for the Xenia Onatopp role (which was truly in character). Kidding, ladies!

"eat flaming death, mutie-hatas!"
Grade: A+

The Girl(s)
Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen) - My introduction to Ms Janssen and she blows me away instantly. Harking back to the time when Bond ladies had sly names, Xenia Onatopp is Trevelyan's hatchet-woman (every major villain needs one). Doesn't hurt that she likes putting the uh, hurt on someone. Unlike other Bond she-villainesses, she doesn't fall for Bond or has a change of heart. Which is just the way I like it.

who knew Jean Grey was this kinky?

Natalya Simonova (Izabella Scorupco) - The lone witness to the hijacking of the GoldenEye, the female programmer has some mad skillz, despite Boris' chauvinist put-downs. Her nerd background notwithstanding, she manages to put the moves on Bond and even throws in a couple of emotional scenes. Must be that darned accent.

Caroline (Serena Gordon) - Doctor assigned to do a psych profile on Bond; ends up the one being ... evaluated.

Ms Moneypenny (Samantha Bond) - Ok, she's not his mother. There's a new Moneypenny in the house, and they keep up with the innuendos. It's classic, and it will remain that way.

which brings us to the final Bond lady ...

if you can guess who this is without clicking her pic, you're good
Grade: A-

Gadgets
Gadgets make a comeback in the film (a Bond tradition anyway), and it helps the action, not hog the screentime. Among the beauties are the belt with a rappelling wire (helping him escape a crossfire from Ak-47s), watch with a laser (helping him escape a booby-trapped train) and a remote mine switch, and the exploding Parker pen (triggered serendipitously by a nervous Boris). Early in the film, Bond uses a camera that sends images back to MI6 HQ which is then checked against a database and any results are faxed to a receiver in Bond's Aston Martin.

Q's lab as usual had its share of goodies, like an airbag-booby-trapped phone booth, a leg cast doubling as a rocket launcher, a silver tray doubling as an X-Ray scanner. Bond also gets a new BMW armed with Stinger missiles, but this never gets field-tested.
Grade: A-

Bond Moments
The best Bond openers always involve flying. The film always tries to incorporate the latest extreme sport - in this case, bungee jumping - and always has Bond chasing a plane or escaping from one. The moment where Bond plunges after a plane that rolled over a cliff, and managing to get into it, and pilot it out of the ravine in the nick of time - that certainly brought audiences to their feet cheering. Bond was back.

[Bond picks up a sandwich roll, studying it like a gadget]
Q: Don't touch that!
[Q snatches the roll off him]
Q: That's my lunch!

"Give me back my Chipotle Southwest Cheesesteak Sub, 007!"

Among the action scenes, the third in my top 3 would be the previously-described escape and plane-chase, while the second would be the mano-a-mano finale between Bond and Trevelyan (isn't it ironic that Bond's best nemesis would be one of their own?). The Best? Their escape from a military prison to a tank chase on the streets of St Petersburg, culminating with the collision of said tank and a train, and the ensuing standoff.

Of course, the best moment in GoldenEye for me, even better than the memorable first meeting between the new M (Dame Judi Dench, excellent 10-minute work) and Bond, would be this:

Brosnan becomes new icon of cool
Grade: A+

One Liners

Xenia: You don't need the gun.
Bond: Well, that depends on your definition of safe sex.

Caroline: I know what you're doing. You're just trying to show off the size of your, err...
Bond: Engine?
Caroline: Ego.

Caroline: I enjoy a spirited ride as much as the next girl, but...
[Xenia pulls up alongside and smiles]
Caroline: Who's that?
Bond: The next girl.

Zukovsky: [as Bond draws a gun to his head] Walther PPK, 7.65 millimeter. Only three men I know of use such a gun. I believe I've killed two of them.
Bond: Lucky me.

Natalya: You destroy every vehicle you get into?
Bond: Standard operating procedure. Boys with toys.

Tanner: Seems your hunch was right, 007. It's too bad the Evil Queen of Numbers won't let you play it...
[M walks in]
M: You were saying?
Tanner: No, I was just...
M: Good, because if I want sarcasm, Mr Tanner, I'll talk to my children thank you very much.

Xenia: Enjoy it while it lasts.
Bond: The very words I live by.

Trevelyan: What's the matter, James? No glib remark? No pithy comeback?


"The Ring, James, my precious ... give me The Ring!!!"

Bond: It's too easy.
Trevelyan: Half of everything is luck, James.
Bond: And the other half?
[alarms begin to go off]
Trevelyan: Fate.

Trevelyan: Why can't you just be a good boy and die?
Bond: You first.
[Looks at Xenia]
Bond: You, second.
Grade: A

Overall
Let's talk about the supporting cast for a sec. It's a virtual who's who ... Robbie Coltrane as crimelord Valentin Zukovsky. Tchéky Karyo as Russian Defense Minister Mishkin (I always check out movies that feature Karyo and Jean Reno), Joe Don Baker returns in a new role as Jack Wade, CIA slacker. Quite a few starred in some of the better sci-fi/fantasy movies - Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, X-Men, The Chronicles of Riddick, Reign of Fire, Wing Commander (ok, maybe not all of them). Even Brosnan and Baker showed up in Mars Attacks! It seemed great to have been associated with the film that brought back Bond into the '90s and have him adapt to the New World Order. I think the happiest guy was the beloved Q (Desmond Llewelyn), whose sole raison d'être was to provide Bond with devices to extricate himself out of sticky situations. It never fails to bring a smile to my face whenever I hear him say "Now pay attention, 007 ..."

Despite his unapologetic stance as "a sexist, misogynist dinosaur ... a relic of the Cold War", Bond seemingly transcends his image and finds a role for himself in this new world. Bond proves himself to MI6 and to his audience, and Brosnan brings in the right balance of charm and steel. Everything in the world is right again. A pity the party wasn't to last.


"hey, Mister! you forgot your pizzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....!"

Grade: A

reese pieces

i knew it!

this, leads to this.

champs!

ok, and just after winning the World Series *lol*.

paalam, Red Auerbach.

1st and 10 (Week 8)

thoughts from last week
- Tiki tiki tembo no sa rembo chari bari ruchi pip peri pembo

- MNF: Cowboys get PWND by Jints
- on the negative side, LaVar Arrington gets lost for the year
- a huge chunk of a team's SuperBowl chances depend on health and luck. a player gets injured on or off the field, that's it. but imagine if all teams were healthy ... then it'll come down on talent.
- bar wisdom from FO's Mike Tanier: "Grant me the serenity to watch the games I cannot change, the courage to change the games I can (like fourth quarter blowouts), and the wisdom to not ask a bunch of guys in black biker gear to turn off a Raiders game."
- Rams can extend sleeper status, whilst the World Series is going on (what, there's a World Series?)
- speaking of baseball, the sports chatter generated by Smudgegate was unbelievable
- between my man Bill Simmons and my new man Mike Greenberg, i chose Why My Wife Thinks I'm An Idiot ... got a great nugget of wisdom within the first (long) chapter. thanks, Mike.
- didn't finish positive on prognosticating for 2nd week in a row. "Bucs dont get another squeaker" - hahahahahahaha! then i picked the Jags over the Texans ... good thing they didn't beat my ass when i got in at Bush International.
- and the Cardinals losing to the Raiders - the Raiders! - was just pathetic.

Week 8 Prognostications
San Francisco at Chicago ... truly a cupcake schedule
Atlanta at Cincinnati ... no more Chad celebrations? waaaugh!
Seattle at Kansas City ... Seahawks are in trouble
Houston at Tennessee ... #1 vs #3
Arizona at Green Bay ... bet the Birds fold at Lambeau
Tampa Bay at NY Giants ... let idiots beware Tiki
Jacksonville at Philadelphia ... the downward spirals
Baltimore at New Orleans ... until they make playoffs, are Saints for real?
St. Louis at San Diego ... if no Shawne Merriman, no Charge
Pittsburgh at Oakland ... is Art Shell awake?
Indianapolis at Denver ... this is purely a statistical bet
NY Jets at Cleveland ... J,E,T,S, Jets! Jets! Jets!
Dallas at Carolina ... Romo Time! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, here comes the Romo!
New England at Minnesota ... Pats quietly sneaking into playoffs

last week: 5-8
overall: 61-39

revoked

James Bond DVD collection review #16
License To Kill (1989) - John Glen
The Plot
Bond is in Florida as the best man for his friend and CIA man Felix Leiter's wedding. Being the manly men they are, they take a detour on the way to church to nab a drug lord. Leiter, mostly left as an afterthought in past Bond films, now has an expanded role as said drug lord escapes and puts the hurting on him in a way that sets off Bond on the path for revenge. That path puts him at odds with his MI6 bosses and with it, the close of Bond chapter for the 80s.
Grade: A

Locales
Key West, Bimini, Panama (actually Mexico)
Grade: B-

The Man
Timothy Dalton
I can't say its the best Bond portrayal, but I will say its the best Dalton performance as Bond. Wanting to play the character closer to his Fleming roots, License to Kill is up his alley as we see a darker and edgier Bond, willing to trash his service record and government responsibilities in the name of what's Right. Dalton had a 3-film contract but when the franchise went in limbo after this (not to mention that it did less than The Living Daylights), he opted out of the role in April 1994, paving the way for Pierce Brosnan.

to supplement his 007 income, Bond had to ... pimp himself. it wasn't easy.
Grade: A

The Villain(s)
Franz Sanchez (Robert Davi) - How much more of an analogy to Manuel Noriega can you have? A drug king and virtual dictator of Isthmus City ("Havana" but referring really to Panama), Sanchez leaves the protection of his native country to follow his wandering girlfriend Lupe and bring her back. Escaping the clutches of the CIA and coolly feeding Felix Leiter (on his wedding night!) to a shark, Davi is in his best ruthless-Latino-charmer mode. We have no doubt Davi could have been a drug lord in an alternate universe.

Dario (Benicio Del Toro) - Totally forgot about Benicio appearing in this film as the youngest Bond villain ever at age 21. Even back then, he was already that Traffic cop. I totally dig Benicio; am just like him. Back in 1989, I was this young and skinny. Now we're both just fat.

"Soon, I will look all old and edgy, but I will win Oscar eh?"

Trivia note: Christopher Columbus: The Discovery could have been James Bond: 1492, as the project included Davi, Del Toro, and Dalton with John Glen helming. Production problems caused Dalton to back out, and the film would go down as a critical flop.

Milton Krest (Anthony Zerbe) - Sanchez' Florida contact and sleazy operator of a marine research company. Hits on anything with a skirt, but Bond gets his goat twice. Exploded under pressure. Guess he couldn't handle it.

Truman-Lodge (Anthony Starke) - Sanchez' whiny boy Friday, assisting in business deals as opposed to Dario, who assisted in business-end-of-a-knife deals. Whiny ass gets whacked by Sanchez himself.

Col. Heller (Don Stroud) - Sanchez' head of security, secretly plotting to steal his Stinger missiles. Gets impaled by a forklift. Sanchez actually kills as many of his own cohorts in this movie than Bond does.

Braun (Guy de Saint Cyr) - A member of the Braun family corporation which makes men's shaving kits. But he gets disowned when he throws in with Sanchez and the druglords. Ok, not really. Just another henchman with subpar shooting skills and even less of a driving one, driving himself off a cliff in a burning jeep.

Ed Killifer (Everett McGill) - Traitorous agent responsible for letting Sanchez go free for alleged $2M payoff in $20 bills in a suitcase. That's some heavy shit. Bond feeds him to the same shark that ate half of Leiter's leg.

Prof. Joe Butcher (Wayne Newton) - Another real-world analogue, this time to the notorious televangelists of the late '80s. Sanchez uses his TV show to communicate and negotiate drug deals. Sleazy bastard too.

Wayne Newton, not Wayne Knight. aaargh.

President Hector Lopez (Pedro Armendáriz Jr.) - A figurehead president propped up by Sanchez, whose only significant role was to complain to Sanchez about his monthly paycheck. Apparently survives Sanchez' downfall and even hooks up with Sanchez' girl thereafter. Now that's a politician! (Armendáriz would parlay this political capital to go on to play two more presidents in The Crime of Padre Amaro and Once Upon A Time in Mexico).
Grade: A

The Girl(s)
Pam Bouvier (Carey Lowell) - You know the Connery/Moore era has passed when the leading lady isn't called something like "Pam Beaver". A supposedly tough CIA agent and Bond's only remaining link to Sanchez' operation, Pam holds her own and keeps helping Bond out despite his best efforts to play lone wolf. Lowell, a fashion model straight out of high school, goes on to become Mrs. Richard Gere (a "fallback" girl post-Cindy Crawford).


"What say we go back to the bedroom and I'll pop some V and champagne?"

Lupe Lamora (Talisa Soto) - Sanchez' girl friday with a wanderlust. I mean, really. She started this whole thing - she hooked up with a guy in Florida, necessitating that Sanchez leave his safe stronghold to get her back, thus putting the DEA and CIA on the clock to capture him, etc, etc. She does have some taste, not shacking with Krest. But still. Slut. nyhahahahahaha! Soto goes on to star in Mortal Kombat and become Mrs. Benjamin Bratt (a "fallback" girl post-Julia Roberts).

Della Churchill (Priscilla Barnes) - I really don't get it but it seems like the bride always kisses the best man a lot. I mean is that okay for people close to each other? I even expected Felix to ask Bond to join them for a threesome on their wedding night. I guess they wrote that out of the script. Slut.

And I won't even mention Caroline Bliss as Ms Moneypenny, who has less lines than cocaine being done by someone allergic to it. To Moneypenny's credit, she puts Q on Bond's trail to help him out.
Grade: A-

Gadgets
The new tough Bond doesn't really too much on gadgets but again, they're there when they count. Like a toothpaste that doubles as an explosive. I mean yeah, we cannot live without toothpaste. I can't.

Q also provides Bond a specialized gun that has his palmprint encoded, making him the only one who can fire the gun. Too bad he wasn't able to assassinate Sanchez with it because some dumb ninjas showed up. Ok, they were still Brit agents led by Kwang (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa). Is there really anyone named Kwang? I mean, that's so stereotypical.

Q also uses a radio transmitter doubling as a broom (Q as a streetsweeper? Now that's loyalty).

Of course, if we make a big deal out of the fake Manta Ray cover that Bond used to escape detection, some Steve Irwin fans might just go nuts and forget though that a Manta may come from the same Phylum (Chordata) as a stingray, it still is of a different family (Myliobatidae vs Dasyatidae). wait, we just did.
Grade: B

Bond Moments
Bond defying M ... and British agents shooting at him? What th-?

Bond and Leiter capture Sanchez and parachute direct right in front of the church, for Leiter's nuptials. Yes, that's all in a day's work.

Bond escapes 4 enemy divers by shooting a shark gun at a seaplane's pontoon, waterskis behind it, and then climbs aboard as it flies away, ensuring that he can hijack the plane and kill off the druggies inside.

For someone who trashes a house to get information, these druggies left Leiter's PC intact - allowing Bond to find a hidden CD, pop the disc in (without even turning on the PC!) and just reads the info as he pleases.

The daring-escape-sequence-while-on-a-bridge predates True Lies and Mission Impossible: III.

Of course, it wouldn't do to mention the rip-roaring tanker trucks sequence at the end, where they do everything a stunt car does (drive tilted on one side) and doesn't (wheelies). The documentary has interesting interviews - the strip of road used for the shooting seemed to haunted - and includes the infamous and unexplained 'hand of fire' that came out of one explosion and not seen in any other rushes.

reports surfaced on evidence that George Lazenby had a ... hand in these incidents

Grade: A-

One Liners
M: This private vendetta of yours could easily compromise Her Majesty's government. You have an assignment, and I expect you to carry it out objectively and professionally.
Bond: Then you have my resignation, sir.
M: We're not a country club, 007!

Truman-Lodge: Brilliant! Well done, Franz! Another eighty-million dollar write-off!
Sanchez: Then I guess it's time to start cutting overhead. (empties an Uzi on him)

Sanchez: Drug dealers of the world, unite!

Bond: Pam, this is Q, my "uncle". Q, this is "Miss Kennedy," my "cousin."
Q: Ah! We must be related.

Bond: This is no place for you, Q. Go home.
Q: Oh, don't be an idiot, 007. I know exactly what you're up to, and quite frankly, you're going to need my help. Remember, if it hadn't been for Q Branch, you'd have been dead long ago.

Pam: Why don't you wait until you're asked?
Bond: So why don't you ask me?
Gooooooooaaaaaaalllllll!
Grade: B+

Overall
Glen's directorial swansong for the franchise proves to be his best, as Dalton brings Bond the closest to his Ian Fleming roots. Originally, the original film title was License Revoked, but MGM balked at it because they thought American audiences would be at a loss as to what 'revoked' meant. Stupid Americans. Anyway, whether they did or not, License to Kill wasn't a hit in the US box office, putting doubt into the future of the franchise. Dalton would never return. It would be six years before another 007 blazed into the screen. But this was one of the best they ever put out, business be damned. As a bonus, the film comes with not one but two songs - the title track by Gladys Knight and the one which would go on to become a sentimental favorite - If You Asked Me To by Patti LaBelle.
Grade: A-


"I already won Oscar. So now what? Ah yes, just look drunk and drugged all the time! Hollywood!"

better off dead

with the high cost of health insurance, not everyone can afford it, and we still get shits like these.

and the fact that he has a multimillion dollar parachute once he quits, is even more galling.

at this rate, its not farfetched to have kids reply, when asked what do they want to be when they grow up ... "a CEO!"

excuse me, i have to throw up.

fox 2, fire!

til the morning comes

James Bond DVD collection review #15
The Living Daylights (1987) - John Glen


before iPods and U2, there was Maurice Binder, the Bond franchise and A-Ha!

The Plot
James Bond helps a maverick Russian general defect to the UK, but is immediately snatched back by the KGB thereafter. Or did they? Bond, with the general's supposed girl friday, tracks the suspect all over the globe, ending up right smack in the middle of Soviet-occupied Afghanistan. The whole thing turns out to be a complicated arms-for-drugs deal, a murky aspect of secret wars between nations during the Cold War.
Grade: A-

Locales
Gibraltar, Prague, Bratislava, Vienna, Tangiers, Afghanistan
Grade: B+

The Man
Timothy Dalton
The next Bond proved to be the rugged Dalton, whose theater work gave the role an rougher edge. No hints of drifting to camp here, and despite being made during the everything-is-big 80's, Dalton's minimalistic approach to the role endeared him to Desmond Llewelyn (the exalted Q), who prefers his work over any other actor who played Bond.
Grade: A-

The Villain(s)
General Georgi Koskov (Jeroen Krabbe) - I kept wondering where I saw this guy before - oh, yeah! He was Harrison Ford's best friend/secret villain in The Fugitive. So basically we can play Looping Six Degrees or less here ... Sean Connery played Bond, Dalton does, and here he worked with Krabbe, and Krabbe worked with Ford, and Ford also worked with Connery in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Woohooo! Wait, where the hell was Kevin Bacon?

Anyway, Krabbe seems too jolly/happy-go-lucky as the Russian second-in-command to General Pushkin (successor to the D.O.M. General Anatol Gogol, a recurring character since the 1977's The Spy Who Loved Me), who fakes a defection for a internal powerplay and a billion dollar windfall. I guess that might explain it. Overconfidence is nothing new for Bond villains and they always lose.

if this was a Soviet general, then i'm James Bond

Necros (Andreas Wisniewski) - The main baddie always needs a hatchet man, and the appropriately-named blond Soviet has explosive milk bottles as part of his arsenal. quite a leap from Oddjob's metal hat. anyway, tall, mysterious Eastern European bogeymen seem to be a favorite in action films (Alexander Godunov, Die Hard) and are always pesky roaches to kill.

Brad Whitaker (Joe Don Baker) - Brad Whitaker. Sounds like a pretty boy actor. Only here he's a loony arms dealer with a historical battles/exotic weapon fetish. A nice change from the cookie-cutter mad industrialist. Baker didn't know it yet, but after his appearance here, he would go on to play another character in the later Bond films, but on the side of the angels this time.

General Leonid Pushkin (John Rhys-Davies) - Holy shit! Its Gimli! He used to be the head of the Soviet military! How could we have missed that! Anyway, the enemy of his enemy is his friend, so Bond teams up with Pushkin to flush out Koskov.
Grade: B+

The Girl(s)
Kara Milovy (Maryam d'Abo) - And i thought Tanya Roberts' character was whiny. d'Abo, playing spoiled cello prodigy Kara, may even claim to be worse. Dumb enough to be duped by such a powerful Russian military man (Koskov) to play a role in his fake defection, she thinks she's in love with him and he loves her too, but very easily falls for Bond's charms. I mean you can sell the Brooklyn Bridge to this girl. Seriously. d'Abo must be like this in real life; if so, then she deserves a damn Oscar.

Miss Moneypenny (Caroline Bliss) - There's a new Moneypenny in da house! The venerable Lois Maxwell gets sent out to pasture (she probably did the nasty with Roger Moore off the set to uh, offset the mere teasing she gets on the set - okay, kidding, folks). Unfortunately, she also took a lot of the character with her, leaving Bliss nothing to build on or offer.

Bush and Kim Jong Il have more chemistry than these two

Linda (Kell Tyler) - Rich young lass on a yacht, bored by playboys and tennis players, suddenly finds Bond dropping by via a burning parachute. Voila! Quickies were already in vogue back in 1987.
Grade: B-

Gadgets
Minimalism, thy new name is Bond. The most used (and with good measure) gadget in this movie was a simple key ring. based on certain whistled tunes (a wolf-whistle being one of them), the key ring emits stun gas or functions as an IED (an intentional explosive device, nyuk nyuk), the latter functionality being useful in taking out Whitaker.

Of course, there's Necros and his novel exploding milk bottles (there were real-life reports of people jumping out to the bushes whenever their milkman came by to deliver).

Q, as usual, had more goodies in his lab, including a personnel-"swallowing" sofa and a boombox modified as a rocket launcher. too bad, it would have been fun to see Bond strutting with this 'ghetto blaster' in the steppes of Afghanistan to the derisive laughter of Soviet troops, before he cuts loose (a-la that guitar guy in Desperado) and blows them to smithereens. Even Whitaker had the cooler guns.
Grade: B

Bond Moments
Despite Dalton's serious style, there's still a few outrageous moments:

Koskov gets smuggled out of Russia via the Trans-Siberian Pipeline, with the help of an Amazon (yeah you gotta watch that ...)

Whitaker and Koskov celebrating in Tangiers - just goes to show communism was a hollow idea ... money rules, baby!!!

Bond and Necros dangle by the rear ramp of a cargo jet, until one of them loses it. So that's where they swiped it for Air Force One.

Bond and Kara escapes the soldiers by sledding down the slopes in Kara's cello case.

"how this girl managed to get me to play the cello while sledding, i don't know."

Whitaker, a phony soldier to begin with, has all the memorabilia and scale models of historical wars, and it was fitting that he died in his own playland, getting pinned by a statue.
Grade: B+

One Liners
Kara: You were fantastic. We're free.
Bond: Kara, we're inside a Russian airbase in the middle of Afghanistan.
[and to that, we add "DO'H!"]

Q: [to Bond] Something we're making for the Americans. It's called a "Ghetto Blaster".

Miss Moneypenny: That girl must be very talented.
Bond: Believe me, my interest in her is purely professional.

Bond did not soooo hit that!

[struggling with Kara's cello]
Bond: Why didn't you learn the violin?

[Kamran Shah, mujahideen leader, welcomes Bond and Kara to their hideout]
Shah: Thank you both for your help. My name is Kamran Shah. Please forgive the theatricals, it's a hangover from my Oxford days.

Bond: Just taking the Aston out for a spin, Q.
Q: Be careful, 007! It's just had a new coat of paint!

[Bond lets Necros fall to his death by cutting off his bootlaces]
Kara: What happened?
Bond: He got the boot.

[Whitaker gets crushed under a statue of the Duke of Wellington]
Bond: He met his Waterloo.
Grade: B+

Overall
After a Scot, an Aussie and an Englishman, we now have a Welshman (Irish Pierce Brosnan would soon complete the "islands of the north atlantic" grouping). Dalton had specific ideas on how to play Bond, and not everyone liked them - he himself even turned down the role twice (to work on Brenda Starr - yeeeeccch). The glamour and attraction of Bond was its outrageous, wink-wink style, and suddenly we get a real cold warrior who sometimes finds it hard to break into a smile. The Living Daylights was smart enough to incorporate issues of the day - Afghanistan for example - and breaking in a new Bond gave them a chance to take some risks with the story. An auspicious start for Dalton, but alas, it wasn't to last.

well, the other fans should be thankful it wasn't this New Zealander ...

Neill. Sam Neill.
Grade: B

1st and 10 (Week 7)

thoughts from Week 6
- how do you like Drew Brees now huh, Nick Saban?
- the New Orleans team is now officially known as the United States Saints
- the Seattle-St Louis game was a classic shootout
- Titans win one! Mario Williams, where art thou?
- we can't go by a week without mentioning T.O. Jackass had 3 TDs, but unless he keeps repeating that performance until Dallas wins the SuperBowl in Miami next year, he will always be a Jackass. come to think of it, even if they win.
- on the bright side of that Dallas-Houston game, David Carr was never sacked. Huzzah!
- what? Tiki is retiring? Jints in SuperBowl, quick!
- my heart goes shalala- wtf? expel them!!! (ok, that was still football-related) ... just in case you were vacationing in the Bahamas ...
- destined to be a classic soundbyte

- and last week, my prognosticating "skills" went crashing to earth. all the seemingly easy picks went the wrong way; even the Bears were losing until the Birds choked.


Week 7 Prognostications
Detroit at NY Jets ... please, Chad, throw for 300 yds!
Green Bay at Miami ... ok, lets not have another brawl ...
Philadelphia at Tampa Bay ... Bucs won't get another squeaker
San Diego at Kansas City ... back to the drawing board, Herman
Carolina at Cincinnati ... by all means, this should be a scoring display
New England at Buffalo ... stop crying, Tom, and be the SuperQB we know
Pittsburgh at Atlanta ... Steelers will continue the blueprint to stop Vick
Jacksonville at Houston ... i'd probably still catch another Texans drubbing
Denver at Cleveland ... Dawgs ex-D Line returns to the Pound
Washington at Indianapolis ... Skins are sputtering
Minnesota at Seattle ... Steve Hutchinson returns to the Emerald City
Arizona at Oakland ... the Cardinals should know who the Raiders are
NY Giants at Dallas ... strangely its been a quiet week in the Big D

last week: 6-7
overall: 56-31

frontpage 2006

hey, we get top billing, just for a day at least!



wonder if this was a random choice by a software program, or a planned feature.

quake quake

James Bond DVD collection review #14
A View To A Kill (1985) - John Glen
The Plot
The Bond mythos rides the coattails of the PC revolution - whouldathunkit? Industrialist Max Zorin (yes, yes, another greedy businessman) wants to control the global production of computer chips. The fly in the ointment? Silicon Valley. The roach in his soup? James Bond. MI-6 only gets involved because of hints of industrial espionage coming from a dead 003 corpse. Zorin intends to trigger a quake and flood the whole Silicon Valley, and only Bond can stop him ... if only he stopped screwing around.

black or white? not a tough decision for Bond - he likes Oreos

Grade: A-

Locales
Siberia, Paris, San Francisco
Grade: B+

The Man
Roger Moore
This was Moore's swansong as 007, and although its not a complete blaze of glory, he doesn't completely craps out either. Although he actually was slowing down (stunts notwithstanding) ... you know why? Its when he gets Stacey Sutton alone in her huge mansion, saves her from thugs, and cooks her a meal ... and then basically just tucks her in bed. The 007 of legend wouldn't do that. Hell no.
Grade: B-

The Villain(s)
Max Zorin (Christopher Walken) - the best actor in years to portray a Bond villain, Walken plays Zorin with a controlled menace. Playing a rich megalomaniac (who's secretly a rogue KGB agent) seems right up Walken's alley, and eschewing the talky villain stereotype, he's more hands-on as he tries to hack Bond with an ax on top of the Golden Gate Bridge. now that's a badass.

May Day (Grace Jones) - yes, despite Bond succumbing to the tough, sinewy charms of Zorin's right-hand woman, I am categorizing her here instead of 'Bond Girls'. May does anything for Zorin, except get laid and loved. At least she got the former from our lothario. What she got from Zorin was a double-cross. Girls and their choices. Ay caramba.

Bond's first tranny encounter

Jenny Flex (Alison Doody) - Usherette in Zorin's private chateau, but more of an assistant to May Day. Dies in the mine explosion/flooding. Trivia: Doody would go on to play Elsa Schneider in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Pan Ho (Papillon Soo) - the other assistant to May, also dies in mine. Guess the ho's prospects didn't pan out.

Scarpine (Patrick Bauchau) - now this is his right-hand man. Again, follows Zorin around and even helps him massacre the workers in his dummy mine. Curiously, wasn't double-crossed by Zorin (or maybe in the alternative ending).

Dr Carl Mortner (Willoughby Gray) - responsible for HGH ... horse growth hormone, which is basically steroids for racehorses. How did horseracing get into the picture, you ask? Well, Zorin basically kept a stable of winning horses, and Bond needed an angle to check out his operation. This doc made sure Zorin always cleaned up at the OTB. And there's a slight hint that his work in genetics may have produced Zorin as well. As in literally. Eeeewww.
Grade: A+

The Girl(s)
Stacey Sutton (Tanya Roberts) - an Angel, a Queen, and now ... a geologist? Roberts plays Stacy Sutton, a heiress to her father's oil business on the West Coast (?) and Zorin, needing the pipeline to flood Silicon Valley, attempts to buy her out. Among the Bond girls, seems to be most in the damsel-in-distress mode all the time (biatch can't even cook). But I guess most men wouldn't mind, keeping in mind that $$$ she wallows in.

Pola Ivanova (Fiona Fullerton) - KGB agent sent to spy on Zorin, but runs into James Bond under the wharf of Zorin's oil depot. Turns out they had a past (I wonder how many KGB agents had liaisons with Bond, and wouldn't the Politburo think this shit never works?). Bond of course swipes the cassette tape (at its commercial and cultural peak) of Zorin's conversations right under her nose. But not before indulging in some reunion nookie.

Kimberley Jones (Mary Stavin) - How does Bond get away with having pretty agents back him up on missions? I guess when you're 007 and you've saved the world numerous times, you can tell M to "get on to it, chap!" Moneypenny must die several times every single movie.
Grade: A-

Gadgets
A fun movie without too much use of gadgets ... except when circumstances really call for it. Early in the film Bond uses a electronic tracker to find the microchip with the dead 003. Also in the chateau, a shaver doubles as a bugsweeper and a tape recorder to play for Zorin's benefit.

Bond also uses a kind of X-Ray glasses - but it works more on heavily-tinted surfaces, not totally opaque ones; as well as a ring camera. Not sure about the MPx on that one.

2 others that were a reach in terms of the plot were the check copier and the "credit card lockpick" (dude, you can use any credit card to pick a lock *lol*).

One of Q's toys is a wheeled robot with video cameras that Q can remotely direct to areas that need a bit of stealth. This becomes only useful in the last scene - which really leads me to believe that Q can be a bit of perv and enjoys checking out Bond's conquests, despite his public protestations to Bond's behavior.
Grade: C+

Bond Moments
Jumping off the Eiffel Tower seems to be normal in this movie (the DVD documentary had a nice story about this). Basically, Bond pursues May Day to the top only to find that she has a parachute and makes her hasty escape through the air. Miffed, Bond jumps on top of the next elevator going down to pursue her.

Following that sequence, Bond hijacks a taxi and resumes the chase. The taxi has its upper half sheared off, and is even cut in two, but Bond gamely drives on with two wheels (raised howls in the theater).

Bond trapped underwater with his Rolls Royce, gets some air supply from its tires.

Bond avoids arrest by blasting a police captain with a water hose, stealing a firetruck and causing destruction across downtown San Francisco. Can you spell 'mayhem'?

With Avengers icon Patrick McNee playing the role of a horse trainer, he and Bond have to infiltrate Zorin's chateau posing as a chaffeur to a rich dude. Bond takes the role to heart and doesn't miss a beat heaping mild abuse on the help.
Grade: A-

One Liners

Zorin: You slept well?
Bond: A little restless but I got off eventually.
(morning after sleeping with May Day)

Tibbett: Another wealthy owner?
Bond: Who knows? But she certainly bears closer inspection.
Tibbett: We're on a mission.
Bond: Sir Godfrey, on a mission, I am expected to sacrifice myself!

Jenny: Welcome, sir. I'm Jenny Flex.
Bond: Of course you are.
(a nod to Diamonds are Forever's Plenty O'Toole)

Bond: Hello. My name is James St. John Smythe. I'm English.
Stacey: I never would have guessed.

Lee: Could Zorin be one of the steroid kids?
Bond: Well, he's definitely the right age ... and he's certainly psychotic.

Pola: In my dressing room, later, did you know I was an agent with orders to seduce you?
Bond: Why do you think I sent you three dozen RED roses...?
Goooooaaaaallll!!!

Russian subs always fire two torpedoes

Police Captain: You're under arrest.
Stacey: Wait a minute, this is James Stock of the London Financial times.
Bond: Well, actually, captain, I'm with the British Secret Service. The name is Bond, James Bond.
Police Captain: Is he?
Stacey: Are you?
Bond: Yes.
Police Captain: And I'm Dick Tracy and you're still under arrest!

Grade: B+

Overall
Roger Moore hangs up the tuxedo and Walther in style, and the screenplay's good enough to hold up. Duran Duran starts the party with the thumping title track, and Christopher Walken effortlessly defines what a true Bond villain should be: cold, calculating, ruthless and a dialing-down of histrionics. Casting Grace Jones was offbeat and brave, although she really looks like a dude, dude. To cap it off, the finale with the fight in the airship and atop the Golden Gate Bridge looked really scary. Moore walks off into the sunset, his legacy intact.


even before Weapon of Choice, Walken was already dancing in strange places

Grade: A-

babu!

1st and 10 (Week 6)

thoughts of from Week 5

- they call it the Culpeppocalypse or Daunte's Inferno. aside from destroying fantasy teams in the last 21 NFL weeks, Daunte Culpepper seems to have lost his mojo in real life, and gets benched in favor of Joey Harrington (yes, that Joey Harrington). i remember the Florida newspapers back in '99 trumpeting their native son when he was drafted by the Vikings. this season was supposed to be a great homecoming, playing for the Miami Dolphins. now its been a nightmare.
- T.O. has B.O.!
- Yeah, why are you in Dallas anyway? You should be out of the NFL!
- Philly fans showed real restraint last Sunday. I commend you.
- one-time Paris boytoy Matt Leinart impressed in loss last weekend, throwing 2 TDs for the first 2 the Chiefs allowed all year.
- Damon WHO(ard)? KC, 2-0.
- 0-41 Jets loss. Bruuuuuuuuuuutal.
- Reggie Bush! Reggie Bush!
- methinks i should read Michael Lewis' The Blind Side. In fact, am standing up right now and heading over to Borders.
- with my eerie success rate on predicting game-winners straight-up, i should start betting on NFL games. good thing i have no clue about over/unders.

Week 6 Prognostications
Buffalo at Detroit ... Go Tigers! *lol*
Carolina at Baltimore ... Ravens get taken down one more notch
NY Giants at Atlanta ... Jints better stop the run
Houston at Dallas ... Kubs would like to win this one
Tennessee at Washington ... Titans almost-win. again.
Cincinnati at Tampa Bay ... Bucs won't make playoffs
Philadelphia at New Orleans ... Iggles won't be sympathetic
Seattle at St. Louis ... finally proves if 2006 Rams are for real
Miami at NY Jets ... duel of branches of the Belichick Tree
Kansas City at Pittsburgh ... Steelers are out of sync
San Diego at San Francisco ... not this week, Mike Nolan
Oakland at Denver ... wouldn't it be great if Raiders upset the Broncos?
Chicago at Arizona ... Leinart better keep sliding


last week: 12-2 (whoooaah)
Overall: 50-24 (a 67% clip? whoooaah)

ocho ocho

James Bond DVD Collection Review #13
Octopussy (1983) - John Glen

The Plot
With Bond methodically whittling down the list of (insane) billionaires of the world, there were still a few running around and still had a sizable number of screws firmly in their heads. One of them seems to have dealt with a hawkish Russian general bent on extending the Soviet borders to encompass most of Europe. To this end, they plot to detonate a nuclear warhead in West Germany (in a circus, no less), make it look like the Yanks were careless and force NATO countries to hasten disarmament, leaving the USSR as the only nuke-powered country left standing (they forgot about China and India - conveniently). To get the bomb into place, the bad guys must use a smuggling ring - this is where things get convoluted. Just gasp in awe at the action sequences and be done with it.
Grade: B-

Locales
Cuba (where Bond singlehandedly dents the country's air force), India, and Germany (both East/West)
Grade: B-

The Man
Roger Moore
The Moore, the merrier. Not. Despite better makeup to make him look his youngest in years in the Bond role, Moore seems to be going through the motions here. He announced his plan to retire from the role at the end of production, but was convinced to do one more run.
Grade: B-

The Villain(s)
Kamal Khan (Louis Jourdan) - What's a bored and exiled Afghan prince to do? Become a world-class smuggler/gambler, of course. And live it up to the 9s. And fraternize with would-be world beaters. Really, the only reason why he's in this movie is he has connections with Octopussy. The Russians could have dealt directly with her. Otherwise, he only fulfills the action film quota of "the rich villain with a scary bodyguard". The prince then gets kicked out of his castle by a bunch of girls and dies a lonely fiery death via a plane crash. Long live the Prince!

Gobinda (Kabir Bedi) - The scary bodyguard. But not Jaws-scary. At least the Jaws of The Spy Who Loved Me, not Moonraker. Stupid enough to follow all of Kamal's orders. His last thought as he falls from Kamal's plane to his death was probably "All that money and no parachute!?! Maybe I can use my turbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnn...."

General Orlov (Steven Berkoff) - Berkoff hams up the hardline Soviet general, and I wonder if hardline Soviet generals, back in the day, acted this way. The megalomaniac was reduced to running after a train trying to escape the wrath of his superior, General Gogol, and ending up being shot on the tracks.


they have this high-tech meeting room while their countrymen starve. damn commies!

Knife-Throwing Twins (David and Tony Meyer) - Can be considered the reason(s) why 007 busted their asses: they knifed 009 (in a clown suit) and the spy managed to find his way before dying in the British embassy (in a clown suit). But can you imagine carrying all those knives inside your chaleco? Am sure they'd have a hard getting past airport security. Ah, to suffer for one's art.
Grade: B

The Girl(s)
Octopussy (Maud Adams) - Adams makes a comeback (of sorts) as another Bond girl (she does appear in a third, but that's for the next review). However, despite premier billing, she only appears halfway through the film and is as wooden as the character she played in The Man With the Golden Gun. Octopussy is the leader of a sort-of cult of empowered women who use their charms and wiles to succeed in her smuggling organization, and they have their own island. She shares a past with Bond as her father was someone Bond had to arrest 20 years ago but allowed him to die honorably (crap. this makes Bond really in his 50s, unless he was already hunting people down while in his teens). I actually prefer the next Bond girl below, but Adams' rank in the casting order lands her the position of sharing the happy ending credits with the superspy.

Magda (Kristina Wayborn) - First shown escorting Kamal Khan in his pursuit of a Fabergé egg at Sotheby's, Magda is revealed as a member of the Octopussy cult. Seemingly a (planted) robotic slave of Kamal, she easily does a 180 when she kicks ass in the final scene. Actually much more fetching than Adams, this was Wayborn's only high-profile role as she ended up in bit parts in TV shows.


you wouldn't notice it, but she was actually saying "pussy" here

Bianca (Tina Hudson) - Bond's contact in the opening Cuban operation ... used mostly as a pretty decoy (and you know they totally hooked up after in Miami!).

Penelope Smallbone (Michaela Clavell) - purportedly an assistant to Moneypenny, was already warned by the latter of Bond's lecherous and noncommittal ways. Never makes it past the first 30 minutes. Never had another role either (didn't matter; her dad was James, the Shogun guy).
Grade: A-

Gadgets
Again, not too much on the gadgets, but used quite efficiently (yes, you and I know they're contrived plot devices, duh). Two of them involve a watch - one to track the homing device in the Fabergé egg, and the other as a sort of mini CCTV, sending images from Q's videocam (how in Earth would Q know in advance to bring videocams in a hot-air balloon??).

Most plausible was the use of a fountain pen that stored a metal-dissolving acid. But I bet it still won't melt Wolverine's claws or Captain America's shield.

The opener had Bond escaping the Cubans in a miniJet, and he also uses a watercraft shaped like a crocodile to sneak into Octopussy's island. And while we're talking animals here, Bond also manages to turn into an ape (see below).
Grade: B

Bond Moments
Bond hides in a train containing circus equipment, and to avoid detection he slips into a gorilla costume. Kamal and goons discuss the exact timing for the bomb to go off, and Bond by habit also looks at his watch at the mention of the exact time they plan to detonate it.

Q being mobbed by girls ... a lot of them scantily-clad. Can you imagine your grandpa being popular at that age?

Bond joins the circus ... in a clown suit (changes to costume in less than 5 minutes with the nuclear bomb counting down at the end of that 5)

Magda acrobatically slips down from Bond's balcony using her sash. Now that's a girl!

Again, not a dearth of preposterous thrill pills:
- Bond's efficient use of a miniJet and return the Cubans' missile back to them (what, their economy was in tatters so they couldn't afford to shoot more at him?)

- fight with one knife-throwing twin and Gobinda on a fast-moving train (prior to that, Bond uses a car with only its wheel rims left to drive after the train - on the railroad tracks)

- battle with Gobinda on the roof of Kamal's plane (we see Kamal turning the plane upside down at least once; we never see the effect of gravity on Bond then)
Grade: B+

One Liners

Magda: He suggests a trade. The egg for your life.
Bond: Well, I heard the price of eggs was up, but isn't that a little high?

Bond: I trust you can handle this contraption, Q?
Q: It goes by hot air.
Bond: Oh, then you can.

Vijay: Is he still there?
Q: You must be joking! 007 on an island populated exclusively by women? We won't see him till dawn!

(Q being embraced and kissed by the uh, Octopussies)
What are you doing -? Cut it out! We have no time for this. (thinks about it) Maybe later.

Q experiences an epiphany. he immediately invents Viagra.
Grade: B-

Overall
The 13th Bond film has its moments, but public consensus seems to show they preferred the renegade and then-released Never Say Never, an unofficial Bond film with Sean Connery to boot. Lazy title notwithstanding (I wonder how many jokes that spawned during production), it kept it close to Bond's roots as a spy. It does seem plausible that there would be loose cannons in any government - but of course in this case it had to be the Russian Bear - that had aspirations to break the current détente during the Cold War and Arms Race. Trying to tie it in with a beautiful smuggler - the sole reason of the title - knocks the story down. You'd think they thought of the title first, gleefully laughed about it for days and then brainstormed on how they could weave a story around it. An added bonus is the Tim Rice/John Barry theme song "All Time High", sung by Rita Coolidge, a semi-gem in its own right.


stuck on you, got a feeling down deep in my soul that i just can't lose

Grade: B

little

when the road gets dark
and you can no longer see
let my love throw a spark
have a little faith in me

and when the tears you cry
are all you can believe
give these loving arms a try, baby
have a little faith in me

have a little faith in me

when your secret heart
cannot speak so easily
from a whisper start
to have a little faith in me

and when your back's against the wall
just turn around and you will see
i will catch your fall
have a little faith in me

have a little faith in me


i've been loving you for such a long time
expecting nothing in return
just for you to have a little faith in me
you know time, time is our friend
i will hold you up, i will hold you up
your love gives me strength enough

have a little faith in me

derailed

Subway Series, my ass. Trade A-Rod!

1st and 10 (Week 5)

thoughts from Week 4

- Mike Martz homecoming ... ehhh. bet St Louis felt relieved they won - you wouldn't want to lose to a former coach.
- and the Lions are still winless. back to the drawing board, Rod. too bad you don't play the Raiders this year.
- Hallelujah, Texans (yeah its a gimpy Culpepper, but then so what - what's wrong with that guy?)
- damn you, Jeff Fisher, for benching Kerry Collins too late *lol*
- good job, Jeff Fisher, for putting your er, foot down on the Albert Haynesworth sitch
- are Da Bears that good? i bet that score wouldn't be the same if Shaun Alexander played.
- are the Browns that bad that they needed to rally and win against the Raiders?
- what's with these millionaires getting arrested and engaging in boorish behavior? oh, thats right, they were handed the money instantly and couldn't help themselves. Being rich does not guarantee good behavior and common sense. Especially if they never had it in the first place.

- moment why you'd love football


- moment why you won't


and on that note ... T.O. and the Cowboys visit Philly this weekend. Let the trash-talking begin!

Week 5 Prognostications
Miami at New England ... can the other pupil beat The Master?
Tampa Bay at New Orleans ... Bucs win by a squeaker. Not.
Washington at NY Giants ... a divisional slugfest
Detroit at Minnesota ... will the Lions ever win one? Not this week.
Cleveland at Carolina ... we need to see more Steve Smith highlights!
Buffalo at Chicago ... Babyface Throwdown: Losman vs Grossman. I'm with G.
St. Louis at Green Bay ... hey come watch the fireworks!
Tennessee at Indianapolis ... 0-5, a continuing education for Vince Young
NY Jets at Jacksonville ... another squeaker, too close to call
Oakland at San Francisco ... should be blacked out on all channels
Kansas City at Arizona ... just Week 5 and they both have new QBs already
Dallas at Philadelphia ... the Circus is in town. Must-see TV.
Pittsburgh at San Diego ... Bolts bounce back this week
Baltimore at Denver ... crush 'em Horses

last week: 12-2 (whoooaah)
Overall: 38-22

eyes eyes eyes, yeah

James Bond DVD Collection Review #12
For Your Eyes Only (1981) - John Glen

The Plot
The Brits' mobile encyption device for firing control of their submarine missiles has been lost in Greek waters - because some wiseass chose to operate out of a fishing boat, which "accidentally" bumps into a mine, which sinks the whole thing, and causes panic in jolly olde England. The circumstances of the sinking are a little hazy; suffice to say it catapults James Bond into a race to find the device, against the big bad Russian Bear. Wait, Russia can't dirty their hands with this foul deed, they need proxies. That comes in the form of a Greek crime lord who's going to sell it to the Soviets anyway. The whole "device plot" gets forgotten for 3/4ths of the film, while Bond runs around tracking the crime lord ... instead of just looking for the device directly. No, of course not, he has to flirt with women in at least 3 countries before he finally earns his paycheck.
Grade: B

Locales
Ionian/Aegean seas, the outskirts of Madrid, northern Italy, Greece, Albania
Grade: B

The Man
Roger Moore
Less quips, more romancing. He seems like a skunk in reverse, everyone gets attracted to him (MI-6 probably issues a press release before he arrives in a city, complete with CV and data sheet). Good thing he doesn't look like his real age at this point. But can you imagine the real-life groupies?

Bond rehearsing for the Mary Poppins role for London's West End

Grade: B

The Villain(s)
Ernst Blofeld (John Hollis) - Screw the legal implications - I'm naming him ... that guy is Blofeld. Bald man. White Cat on lap. Yeah, its Dr. Evil. Hoping for one last shot at Bond, he gets full glory in one of the best opening scenes of a Bond film. Bond scoops his wheelchair with the helicopter skids and dumps him down a factory chimney. But wait, we didn't see what happened to the cat. One day, the cat will take revenge on Bond. Hah.

Hector Gonzales (Stefan Kalipha) - Hispanic hitman hired to kill a Greek archeologist, who was helping the Brits recover their precious device. Uhm, why not wait till the Greek actually found the sunken remains of the St Georges, before offing him? For being a moron, he gets an arrow in the back, courtesy of the archeologist's little girl.

Aristotle Kristatos (Julian Glover) - Greek crime lord who's like any of those dictators and drug lords coddled by the US in the 80's. Wants to sell shit to whoever can pay. A regular pimp. Pretends he doesn't know anything about James Bond; likes to think he's clever. If he was anywhere within the range of "clever", he should have just killed Bond instantly instead of dragging him behind his powerboat for kicks. What is he, 12?

Emile Leopold Locque (Michael Gothard) - Paid enforcer/assassin who hires other assassins to do dirty work. Nevertheless, gets his comeuppance when Bond kicks a car off a cliff, with him inside.

Eric Kriegler (John Wyman) - Mr. KGB Man trying to make sure the sale of the device goes through with Kristatos. A Nietszche type, displays his athletic skills and strength at various encounters with Bond, but never saves him when he falls through the window over a cliff. Loser.


do I look like a smuggler? a hairdresser, maybe!

Grade: B

The Girl(s)
Melina Havelock (Carole Bouquet) - Mr and Mrs Havelock's only child is a witness when they get mowed down by the same pilot who brought her for a visit. This means war! She suddenly becomes an expert marksman, taking baddies down with her crossbow (hey, it could have been her hobby). Bouquet doesn't have the same radiance and appeal of Bond girls past, but she gets to utter those famous 4 words.

Bibi Dahl (Lynn-Holly Johnson) - Figure skating prodigy who hits on anything remotely male-looking. Swear to God. Bond even has to rein in his hornydog instincts and pass on the honeypie. Along with her God-awful choices in men (badass jocks, Bond), she also has bad taste for sponsors - Greek crimelords. This darned Electra complex is giving me a headache.

yep, that's right. showing your ass to your sleazy guardian will convince him to let you go.

Countess Lisl von Schlaf (Cassandra Harris) - posing as an Austrian countess and as a spurned woman of Milos Columbo (Topol - Dr. Hans Zarkov in Flash Gordon - who would eventually be exonerated as the "good" crimelord), she seduces Bond on Columbo's instructions but stylishly gets run over by a dune buggy driven by Locque. Strangely, Columbo never mourns her or mentions her afterwards.


so THAT'S how Mrs Brosnan died (ok that was low)

Trivia note: Harris is Pierce Brosnan's real-life wife, and had wished her husband would play the 007 role. She died in 1991, 4 years before Brosnan would officially don the mantle.
Grade: B+

Gadgets
Not much gadgets here, as Bond relies more on his skills as a ladies' man, uh, and his physical prowess (again, not bad for a 50 year old) to extricate himself from sticky situations. I think there was a lot more chases and fistfights here than in recent Bond outings.

Bond uses a kind-of digital watch that displays messages from MI6 HQ, but i doubt that would be helpful if he's preoccupied with women. Yep, it didn't.

Q as usual trots out a couple of beta-version gadgets - a spring-loaded fake plaster cast and a spiked-umbrella - which are never used.

The most interesting gadget is a 3D Identigraph, which is a precursor to today's facial recognition programs, used by Q to match Bond's description of the bad guy to existing databases.

They brought back the Lotus Esprit but it doesn't function more than an exploding car *lol*
Grade: C+

Bond Moments
What does it say about Bond, that barely-legal nubile figure skating prodigies throw themselves at him? Creeepy!

"I'm barely legal! So my racier scenes will end up only on the DVD!"

There are 3 great 'chase scenes' - the car chase through the hairpin turns on the hills in Madrid, the ski chase in Cortina taking them through a bobsledding track, and in the finale, where Kristatos drags a bound Bond and Melina through the water (and Bond only miraculously escapes by slicing the ropes through the corals and rocks).

The best moment is in a quiet room with Bond and Q attempting to identify Locque via the 3D Identigraph. Q is at his poker-faced best, messing with Bond as payback for the latter usually leaving his gadgets as spare parts throughout their history.
Grade: B

One Liners
(entering the confessional, in a church appropriated by MI-6)
Bond: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
Q: That's putting things mildly, 007.

Bibi: Don't you like me?
Bond: Why, I think you're wonderful, Bibi ... But I don't think your uncle Ari would approve.
Bibi: Him? He thinks I'm still a virgin!


"You're a virgin?? ... Reaaaaaaaaaally ..."


"Ok, let's try this again ... you're a virgin. Wow. As in. Gosh. I am SO freaking out."

Melina: For your eyes only, darling...
Goooooaaaaaaaallll!!!
Grade: C+

Overall
The film starts strong, with a nod back to the past by having Bond visit his wife's grave, before getting into a life-and-death situation with a seemingly-resurrected Blofeld. The latter's death (for real this time) gives Bond closure and opens the door to the future (or just the 80's), where former 2nd unit director and editor John Glen would take the franchise for 5 installments. With another toning down of gadgetry, Bond has to rely more on his wits, closer again to Ian Fleming's original vision for the character. 007 takes a more serious tone here, after the campy excesses of Moonraker. It is this vein which will prove to be the defining strength for future Bond films, especially in the Timothy Dalton era and the earlier half of Brosnan's turn. As a bonus, Sheena Easton's rendition of the title track evokes emotions and praise as high as the ones generated by Nobody Does It Better, making it work both as a complement to the film and as a standout solo single.


"She thinks its for my eyes only ... I bet Q's zooming on this right now, hehe."

Grade: B